It is everyone’s big dream to get a good-paying good job. For me, one of my biggest dreams. I also want a killer apartment with a great view, an elaborate and fully fledged kitchen, a big hall, two bedrooms, and a balcony. Even two balconies wouldn’t kill. :P I want to decorate it’s interiors the way I like, probably with some art-explosions, curtains (not plush), plants, an aquarium, and some good furniture. Wow. The very thought of all these are sending me to cloud seven (not nine, coz I’m saving it for the moment I’ll be getting all these for real :P). When I am sitting idle, I like to think about this apartment and my life in it. It’s just that I have never shared these thoughts with anyone else. And today, when I was thinking about the uncertainty that which is going to happen to me after I complete my post-graduation, the apartment-thoughts rushed in again.

I must get this. I really must. I don’t care how old I become when I will really be able to achieve this, but yes, it will be an achievment. My achievement. Something that I can say is mine, and will be, without anybody questioning it, or without any kind of uncertainty hovering over it. I am not materialistic. I don’t crave for material possessions, except that which kindles the spirit of certain human-relationships. This apartment, which I’d like to call a ‘home’, my home, is where my soul will be, and where my heart can be, just as safely as it had been in the place which I call ‘home’ now, the place where I grew up, took my first steps, and got moulded into who I am now.

Is it too deep a feeling to be showered over a concrete enclosure that’s, probably, yet to be built? I don’t know. My feelings are pretty strong for the things/people that/who I really want. But my only fear is, I am prone to finding solitude. Often when I am unable to cope up with the blatant realities of life. It includes blunt and petty trivialties of every day life, like maybe the short absence of someone, inadvertent negligence, a slight change in the pattern of things that I deal with day-to-day, etc. etc. to unfair and non-petty things like death and other severe losses. I draw myself back into a shell when these happen, just to be safe from the wilderness out there that’s way too incomprehensible to me. If I live alone, who will bring me out of it other than I? I don’t know if I am cut out to take that kind of control over myself.

But then, my dream, the apartment, the privacy, the cooking, the cleaning.. All of these look at me longingly, with puppy-eyes! :P hehe! Maybe I am underestimating me a bit here. Maybe I am capable of doing greater things than I think I can or can’t. Well, how will I ever know if I don’t try? ;)