Archive for the ‘ Fragments of Insanity ’ Category

Joblessness Monster!!

My last post was about joblessness. All about finding my life to be so void, because I really had nothing else to do.. Well, I’ll pick-up from where I left..

I got tired sitting at home, doing nothing worthwhile and I started to feel like I was dull and stupid.. From my batch of 30 students, only 3 of them had gotten jobs, therefore, I could’ve pacified myself.. But I am the black sheep who dropped out of engineering college and went to study art..['stitching' as it's called by most people I know.. Can't understand what kind of happiness they all get by degrading it. It's one of the most upsetting things to hear, for me, it makes me wanna rip their spleen out and tear it into pieces.. But most of the times, it's the people who I love a lot that chooses to call what I study as 'stitching'.. So I've learned to control the anger, and just let it go.. or commonly known as 'what the hell'].. As I was saying, being the one who failed to stick to the modus operandi of successful livelihood, it was essential for me to get a job as quickly as possible. Ergo, I decided to go to Bangalore.

Bangalore was just a plan in my head. I wanted to go soon, very soon. I was thinking about it day and night, wondering where to stay, where to go etc.. I called up Asha, a friend, to find a place to stay and she said I could stay where she [and a number of other females] is staying as paying guest. Well, stay was my only problem, and it was solved as quickly as that. Now all I needed was the drive to travel alone to B’lore! But another friend, Neeraja, called me up to ask how things were going and whether I had got a job yet. I told her about the little B’lore dream I had in mind and Bingo! [Wow.. Never used 'bingo' before!] She was planning the same thing and was looking for a companion to go with! Before hanging up, we decided the dates, when to go and most likely, when to return! Everything happened too fast, and we were in Bangalore on Aug 11th morning.

I don’t really wanna rewind that one week in Bangalore. The job-hunt part was saddening. Two questions decided our fate in the interview.

1. Do you have experience?

2. Are you from NIFT (National Institute of Fashion Technology) ?

After saying two mournful ‘No’s, second one less audible than the first, which is also a cue to rise half-way up from the seat, it’s better to start thinking about the next company to go to. Because, ‘hmm.. Leave your resume here, we’ll call you back if something comes up” doesn’t take more time than that needed to rise rest of the way up! Experience is way overrated, if u ask me.. hmph! How will I get experience if nobody gives me a job in the first place?

It’s tough to become a designer. Really tough. My Aunt’s friend graduated from NIFT-Delhi, and had experience as a designer in Delhi, and still had to wander for 6 months before getting a job as Designer in B’lore.. That little story that Dad told me was supposed to keep me going.. But I was horrified and devastated instead!!

The other companies I went to did have vacancies, but we had to start from down below, and sounded too low for an aspiring graduate. We had never heard about any seniors who had to do the same; everybody got jobs as merchandisers [Wonder why nobody even wanted to become a designer..] I never wanted to be a merchandiser, but I was willing to become one, out of desperation. I was willing to do a mediocre job without getting paid, for like 1 or 2 months, something like training. But the kind we both were offered didn’t sound good. It was the post of a ‘Floor Supervisor’ at Provogue. Well, I don’t mind the title and it was not such a demeaning job. I know I have to do a lot of homework, pay my dues [pay heavily, because neither did I pursue a course that has a lot of possibilities, nor did I study it in a well-known institute] before I get a job that I desire. But something troubled both of us, while we were sitting inside Barista, drowning our sorrows in black coffee! We were sitting right next to the Provogue store, separated from it only by a glass panel, and observing the thriving business. The thought of having to wear a uniform did trouble us! But not enough to back out from it. But by the time we reached home, both of us decided that we’re not gonna give up and become Floor Supers so easily!

Nevertheless, with every bit of confidence drained out, we both decided to go back home and booked tickets in fair winds that blew homewards. [Ornate, I know.. But going home is always a relief for me :-) especially in that condition!] That’s the end of the B’lore saga.

I reached home on August 17th morning. I was pretty sad and very reluctant to tell bro and mom that I didn’t get any job. Dad was very supportive, he kept calling me all the time to make sure I was okay. Well, his voice was very soothing, and I was feeling okay eventually.

I utilized the days to work on my port-folio, and to learn more about photography. However, the Joblessness Monster was on loose again, and I thought I’d give it another shot. I planned to go to Bangalore again, by September 7th, but this time to the industrial area, Yashwantpur, where most of the export houses are located. I never wanted to be a merchandiser, especially not in an export house. Retail showrooms were far better, but I hate export houses and the madness enveloped within. I never wanted to be a part of that.. But desperate times call for desperate measures :-( I called Asha again and fixed the dates.

Little did I know that fate had chosen to be kind to me one more time! ;-)

To be continued…

Aimless talk, really!!

I’m depressed.. For many reasons.. Some of my friends know some reasons.. But nobody knows all of them… I don’t know whether anyone’s gonna understand what I’m going through. Or whether anyone can actually put away so much time to listen to all my worries..[Do you ever feel so deep, that you speak your mind to put others straight to sleep, you wonder if anybody cares.. Song : 'Bare Naked' by Jennifer Love Hewitt] Why I wake up every morning feeling sad… Why certain things are happening to me… Why I am going through such a difficult time.. Hell.. Sometimes even I don’t know why I’m going through such a difficult time… I’m trying to make myself believe that everybody is going through a similar phase, and that they, like me, are just afraid to bring it out in the open… Maybe I’m right.. Who knows…

Things are never going right after my college years are over. Or things were never right, but I was just too busy to notice that.. Whatever, I’m having a lot of free time, and I just can’t stop thinking about the disaster that my life is.. Maybe years later, I might read this blog entry and just have a good laugh, with my life running too smoothly and all.. Well that’s how I dream it.. But what if it keeps getting worser and worser? hmm.. I always believe that tomorrow’s gonna be a better day.. I learn from the mistakes that I made today, hoping to never make them again, and like someone said, just make new mistakes to learn from! It’s like metamorphosis, isn’t it?

Doing things to divert attention helps.. Like I read two Chetan Bhagat novels at one go.. ‘Five Point Someone’ was pretty good, but ‘Three Mistakes of My Life’ was a complete mistake in my opinion.. I think I’ll agree to Kris’s theory, that the first one was out of pure creativity and imagination, the second one, ‘One Night @ A Call-Center’, written in-order to meet the deal with Rupa and Co., missing a bit of both [so I've heard, never read it, though I want to] and the third one, ultimately running out of both, having to surrender and write someone else’s story in an ‘un-ChetanBhagat’ point of view! I’ve also started reading Malayalam novels, thanks to my Dad’s great collection of mind-blowing works! Reading surely helps a lot than anything else… Like listening to music, for instance.. Some songs bring back memories, both good and bad ones, and some songs have pretty irritating lyrics which is like reading your own sad biography!

There are some more things that scare the living crap out of me.. Especially, the word ‘future’. Till now, when I wanted to do something for my future, I studied in school, then college, then dropped out and then again in college.. The dropping out was a major turning point of my life, cos it has taken me to places I suppose I’d have never gone to, if I had continued my engineering studies. And maybe I wouldn’t have been jobless now, who knows!! Or maybe I’ve been saved from a list of supplementary exams that I might’ve had to take! hehe!! I’m not looking back with regret, hell no!! I’m not sorry at all… My short-term goals are over, and it’s pretty confusing to think ‘What’s next?’ and difficult to get the clue to find the next stepping stone to success..

Even if I find everything I need, emerge out successful at the end of some day, I know I’ll still be waking up sad the next day, since I don’t have a solution to any of my problems.. Talking helps, and everybody loves giving advices, but I’ve stopped taking advices and trying them in my life. It has never worked so far. And now I’ve realized that there is no ultimate solution to all problems; everybody has to figure out what’s wrong and what can be done in his/her own damn life. Part of the metamorphosis, I believe.. But talking certainly takes away some pressure.

Well, I pray everyday to God to make my life easier, but the prayers aren’t working too. I didn’t lose my faith or anything, but I started doubting whether prayers are gonna work at all.. But out of the blue, Zee Studio made a huge fuss about the movie ‘Bruce Almighty’ which they showed on 19th July. Well I’ve seen that movie before; it’s a good one so I felt like I should not miss it. 19th is a very special date to me since it’s my birthday on 19th Aug, and that made the movie much more special! Well, I don’t have to say much more, that was like a sign, I’d forgotten why Bruce was made God in the movie, so this movie just refreshed my memory and my senses too! Therefore, praying is still my refuge, since I’m jobless and have no money to go shopping! ;-)

If I’ve sustained your interest so far, I guess I should stop this endless ramble, while you still have it!! Adieu.

Made in India!

98% of marriages in India are arranged.. Not true? Maybe not.. I didn’t do a research or anything on it… But I think that 98% of marriages in India are arranged..

Why? Because, people in India are bought up that way.. Simple! We Indians have great respect for our parents.. Especially moms.. [who carried us painfully for 9 months..] I’ve heard from a friend of mine, who’s grandma who dared to say this cliched pregnancy-debt fact to her son, was taken aback when he asked her to jump into a sack, so that he can carry her around for 9 months, by which this debt-talk can be avoided forever…

Dare I say that parents in India are self-centered.. to have bought up their kids as loyal servants who carry out duties that have been set forth by their parents, living life the way parents want them to live.. Of course, it’s always the most practical way to live life… But not always how the insignificant “you” wanna do it…

I’ve had this talk with my friends a lot of times… The plot was, they meet the love of their life.. Indulges in a three year long meaningful relationship.. by which time, they can see each other as a married couple.. But things don’t go their way at home.. Parents don’t want them to marry that person, because of their cast/religion/blah-blah..

What will they do?

Try to make themselves and their parents understand that ‘this is the love of my life, the person who I’ve known like Einstein knew physics, who’s like an open book to me, who’s moodswings I know about, who’s silence does not need an explanation, who I can always live with, and most importantly, who I cannot live without..’

Or will they take a decision to forget all that, instead, think about ‘not letting our parents down after they’ve taken care of us so far, providing us shelter, feeding us, taking care of us, paying our school fees, college fees, current bill, water bill, mobile bill and all other monetary involvements taken care of, again that 9-months debt, shoot them into the higher social strata of our society by marrying a smaller version of Anil Ambani[no Reliance, only the bank balance], or at least remain in the same stratum by not marrying a bus conductor [or kili!! :-D], how we don’t want our own kids to behave this way later [Too late! Indian parenting traits have been successfully acquired and uploaded!!], how parents are always right and wants the best for us [which is true, but regarding truth, sadly, for each, his own..], etc etc”?

Which way will they go?

Most of them are willing to take the second option, that is to forget everything, and obey their parents.. [These are the ones who believe that ultimate love only means supreme sacrifice.. Their 'happily ever after' is pretty simple..]

And there were some who said that they won’t marry either ones, they’ll just “diplomatically” stay single forever [I failed to see the diplomacy really.. They're pretty much hurting their parents either way. These are saddists who don't want anybody to be happy, not even themselves..]

A few of them replied that it’s the responsibility of parents all over the world to do whatever that has been discussed in option number 2.. They said that when they are gonna have kids of their own, they are never gonna raise them inside this bubble of ambitions and dreams, which never has place for the kid’s own, or expecting favors in return for raising them and for fulfilling their basic needs. These are the ones who said that love is the essence of life, which is beyond all crap [classifications based on religion, caste and all that]… Its like, “I’ll never let go of you, come what may…”

But, this is not what I wanted to talk about! There is another group of people, who take both options into consideration, who wanna fall in love, who have acquired the Indian traits successfully, believe that parents expecting their off-springs to not let them down is perfectly alright [and its the second birth-right after 'Swaraj'..] They are the ones who really know a thing or two about diplomacy!

For example.. A middle class Hindu Nair boy, an engineering student, will search for a Hindu Nair girl doing some degree [mostly irrelevant] and fall in love with her.. She, on finding out that he’s an engg student [means food on the table 3 times a day in future], as well as a Hindu Nair [which means, Mom n Dad are gonna be so happy and proud about me!] will start reciprocating his love!!! Likewise, a Roman Catholic Boy will fall in love with a Roman Catholic Girl only.. If a colleague who they talked to a lot yesterday, or meets at the ATM regularly, who they are interested in, turns out to be from a different community [for cryin out loud], they’ll never feel the same way about him/her again… Because, one of the many unique Indian traits they have successfully acquired is to be a walking marriage bureau themselves!! ;-) And if the colleague in question is indeed from the same community, ‘love happens’!! And when they get married one day, they’ll say that it was an arranged love marriage.. But thats not right, it was an arranged marriage alone.. Maybe an arranged arranged marriage.. The walking marriage bureau that you are, arranged it once, your parents arranged it again..

So wasn’t I atleast somewhat right when I said in the beginning that 98% of marriages in India are arranged? ;))

Source of inspiration : ‘For Matrimonial Purposes’ by Kavita Daswani.. I hope nobody gets a wrong idea about the book because of this fragment of insanity!!!

Meet my mind..

Sometimes, I donno whether I’m doin the right thing.. I doubt if I should have deserved such a fate[if thats really the one that I'm gonna get]. For two reasons..

a) I require and I am supposed to require something better and deserving, something that is able to fill all the voids that have been created in my life.. All my life, I had been praying to God to bless me with such a fate.. But as I’m still doing it, I know that God has granted only half of what I had prayed for, the half which is a little better than what I had before…

b) The fate that shadows my life, am I really worth it? Did I make a wrong decision? This life does not seem to fit me in. Though I believe in fate, sometimes I feel that it is me who made the wrong decision when God offered me the perfect fate.. I went for something that does not befit my lifestyle and my moods[and mood-swings!] I sometimes take pride in taking that bold choice, but it does not always bring me happiness; It does not bring everything that I wanted.. I remember the tears that I have shed praying to get it.. I remember the momentary happiness that I felt, thinking that I finally got it.. And here I am, crying again realizing the truth that I never had it, and never will…..

Epilogue

This fate, was never mine.. I acquired it, trading what’s really mine for someone else’s, without their knowledge.. The possiblity that my real fate could have bought me the happiness that I craved for; it looks down on me, and I don’t have a place to hide from it’s sorrowful eyes, and I cannot endure the brutal embrace of the shame that it has bought on me… This life’s not mine, and I’m never your’s, and never have I been completely your’s, quite contrary to what, sometimes, you and I might’ve felt.. I’m probably trying to be as good as the rightful owner of this fate, cheating both you and me.. I can see that you’re happy, but not as happy as you could have been with the original. My malicious act has bought pain to you as well[though I never wished to see you suffer], and that is the second reason why I wonder whether I deserved such a fate..

I’m sorry my dear, I’m sorry I did this to you… As long as you don’t realize the truth, I can put on.. But one day, I will confess it to you.. You must be strong, coz one day, I will….

Note : I’m neither talking to/about a person nor any inanimate object! These are just fragments of my insanity!

Goodbye 2007…

I’m relieved; as 2007 has come to an end… 9 has always been my unlucky number… And 2007 was a luckless year, as far as everything was concerned… Except that my 1st and 2nd sem results came, and I didn’t flunk in any subject… Well, let’s not give all the credit to luck alone for not flunking! Effort was there from my side too, right? Yeah right.. Who am I kidding.. Its just plain luck!

Towards the end of the year, I got a lot of friends, the ones who I have been keeping at bay, for some unknown reason.. I had gotten tired of coming online for a while, and that’s why I think I could talk only little or none to them.. During the break-up with my boyfriend, I had nothing to do to keep me busy, so I was online all the time. I started talkin to many of my friends from orkut who I had added once, but never really got to know.. It is always nice to have wonderful friends, and the effort that is put into staying in touch with them really pays off… :-) I have really known this year the value of friends, and how much they can change one’s life… I have changed a lot; I have become a better person this year!! I think that was my New Year resolution for 2007!!! :-P

On 31st December, I wasn’t out there partyin or having any kind of fun, I was doing my assignment!!! I had solemnly promised to myself that I will finish all my pending work before 2008, and I am very happy to say that I did finish them all.. There’s a video in my mobile-phone in which I am cutting the New Year cake holding a painting brush in my other hand!! The beginning of the year was pretty normal [read boring] and so far it has remained the same… At college, we’re in an assignment frenzy, keeping all of them together, re-doing them, for internal marks evaluation purposes.. We have already started doing the ‘final collection’ works, like selecting the theme, discussions about it, and drawing inspirations from them… I haven’t thought of a theme yet… My mind is not clear to delve deep into the subject… Last year, Ansar Sir did it systematically by making the students meditate and having long discussions with them.. This year, the saddest part is that Ansar Sir is not there.. Our effing college had problems with him and vice versa, so he resigned.. But there’s one thing.. His skills are unmatched.. We do not have such talent amongst our existing faculty.. :-( Anyways, lets see what happens by the end of this month.. I should be having a fine theme by then…

Btw, blogging is becoming even more difficult now.. Unless I get a computer of my own, I will never be able to blog like before.. I can’t believe that it has been 4 months since my last post.. I simply cannot do this while people are around me.. Right now bro has gone out somewhere and mom is sleeping downstairs, which gave me a good window to make this entry..! Some friends have been asking me why I haven’t updated my blog.. I have been telling them that it is because I am out of material, but that is not true… I have a text file in my computer in which I have more than three unfinished entries, interrupted during its making, probably by my brother! All of them were written in different moods [very sad ones], and I haven’t been able to achieve them again.. Things appear different when you look at them once with despair, and later with relief!! Maybe that’s why when I read them now, I feel stupid! I never read my own entries after I’ve posted them!!! :-P

Uh..oh… I think I can hear bro’s bike’s sound.. Before this becomes another of my unfinished entries, lemme post it….!!

Adios!

 

Part 2 – End of this series!

Been a long time since I updated my blog… Was thinking of starting another blogspot account.. Lets see.. Btw.. I forgot to publish this entry in September.. So thought of adding some more stuff before publishing it…

I slept, without even caring to be excited about the next day. My internship was gonna start  later that day.. I had to be at ‘Leela Scottish Lace’ by 10:30am, and if I wanted to do that, then I would have to wake up at atleast 7:30 or 8:00.. I didn’t have my clothes ready, and I hadn’t figured out what I was gonna wear! Figuring out clothes is a pretty tough task especially on such an auspicious day!! I had to pick up something that didn’t have any disastrous events in its records! And only a fully awake me can perform intricate tasks like these.. Damn! Its almost 9 ‘o clock.. Why am I still asleep?!? And why’s no-one waking me up? Shucks I’m gonna be late.. Luckily wake-up call came in the form of my bro’s annoying voice… He was shouting at someone.. or something? I was not completely awake, so I couldn’t figure out whether it was at me, my mom or the dog.. I jumped out from the bed soon after I saw the time! And rushed to subject myself to sophistication processes.. Anyways.. by 9:45, I was presentable before people, Shalin had come, and we took around 15 mins to reach the company.. The others[Anju and Lekshmi] joined us a little later.. And we were on our way to the office..

The security guys told us that GM had not reached the office yet.. And they were not quite sure whether he’ll be coming that day either.. We were standing there, wondering what to do.. After a lot of waiting, a woman ushered us into the factory and introduced us to the Industrial Engineer, who seemed to have handled trainees [switched to that word since nobody knew what interns did] before, and was appointed to be in-charge of us.. He was a young guy who seemed like a jolly good fellow in the beginning, with his charming looks and casual way of dressing.. But that was just a facade to the evil lurking within! It was the same for all those who were workin there.. Everybody seemed to have some kind of an attitude problem.. Everybody except for the receptionist chechi and the security chettans who helped us be on time!! ;-) There were three buildings and six interns.. So they split us into three groups of two students each and gave us nine days in each building..

Day 1 was unbearable for us; Anju and I hid behind the huge stack of fabrics inorder to avoid the hundreds of pairs of eyes, which scrutinized us all day.. It was the same for the others in the next two buildings.. Day 2 was better.. A girl named Asha, studying fashion designing in Bangalore, joined us in the first building. The only reason she picked this company was to stay at home for a few weeks during the internship! She was our same kind, and it did not take a long time for us to get aquainted.. well.. more than aquainted!! The five of us went out together on weekends, we shared all our good and bad memories with each other, we even shared our secrets with each other! She’s a good friend even now.. :-) Anyways, though eventful, the months of June and July and even August went just like that, which finally resulted in the re-opening of college on the 4th of September…

Since then, I’ve been pretty busy.. Work has increased, and this subject called ‘Textile Designing’ is driving me crazy!! I’ve never painted so much ever before!! I could have painted an average sized compound wall with that much time.. both front and back!!! Its been a long time since I kept that paint-brush down.. Its been a long time since I went out on weekends.. Hell! Its been a long time since I’ve even seen the city that I love! It has been only the road from Railway station to my home for almost a month… It will be the same throughout the year.. Lots n lots of work only, and no time for anything else :-( Btw.. Sports Day was on 15th.. None of us even cared to go downstairs to the ground to see what was happening!! It took Supriya Miss to give a round of cheethaparachil inorder to send all of us down! :D But once we got there, some of us got motivated enough to decide to participate! Unfortunately, we came to know that the contestants had to register a week ago… How come we didn’t know about it? :-( Anyways, we went back near the ‘Assumption Lake View’(some unclean water flowing through a channel, which thankfully didn’t smell or look bad! :D) where we could get the best view of the running race, sack race and all the other events! To me, the most impressive event was the walking race conducted for teachers. Wow, I donno how they managed to not fall walkin so fast! Anyways, there was still an event that we could register for, on the spot.. It was tug-of-war.. Desperately, I gave my name too!

There were 10 girls in a team.. That was the first time I was seeing the thick rope they use for this game so near! Whats the severity! Just pull the rope as hard as I can.. Very simple.. There will be three trials against a team. The one who gets two wins will be the winner. And there won’t be a third pull if a team gets two consecutive wins.. of course, very obviously.. Why waste all that energy? We pulled the Zoology dept. and we won.. In the quarter-finals, we pulled the Home Science dept, and we won… In the semi-finals, we pulled the Physics dept, and we won again.. Its time for the finals.. But they conducted the ‘shuttle-relay’ finals at that time.. And the winners were BFT!!! It was the first points that we were getting.. 10 marks scored till now! And now, time for the tug-of-war finals! We were pullin the Maths dept now.. They were last year’s winners.. But we pulled… with all our stamina… but couldn’t hold.. and we gave in… not once, but two times… :-( And we scored 6 marks for the event.. After the prize distribution (oh yeah.. they gave pink colored bed-spreads for each team-member!), they announced the over-all marks.. Chemistry dept was holding the third place.. And Fashion Technology dept was in the 2nd place with 16 marks!!! :P There was shouting, screaming, cheering…. I’d give anything to turn back time and be there once again!!! Takin part in just two events, and comin to the 2nd place!!! Wow, my college suxx!! ;))

Anyways… hmm.. no.. next post… :P

Part 1 – The Ride Of The Year!!

A long interval? Yep! A very long one indeed… Internship was from June 18th to July 14th.. But we had to be around till July 30th inorder to submit the report and to get the certificates.. Didn’t get much time during June and July to make new posts in here.. The seniors presented their ‘Design Collection 2007′ on June 17th; a grand fashion show that was held at Abad Plaza at Ernakulam. It was a really hectic day for everyone.. The grand marathon began a little earlier for me than anyone else; I had to catch the 5 am Venad Express inorder to meet my friends at Thiruvalla.. It was a cold morning and I was thankful to the jacket that I chose to wear with my skirt. From Thiruvalla, I went to Ernakulam in a beige colored Bolero – the mere memories of the death-ride never fail to terrorize me! The person who was driving it was a family friend of my friend.. He seemed to ride in a binary mode.. either 0 or 1.. either 110km/h or 40km/h… Sudden shifts from 110 to 40… Sudden turnings, sudden brakes; in fact nothing was pre-planned.. All the fluids inside my body kinda mixed up and formed the stuff that makes us puke.. Anyways, after the fun-ride, we reached Ernakulam just in time to meet the others who came by the college bus.. I don’t wanna say much about the fashion show.. It comes on TV these days, I think.. It was not as good as last year’s show, and some collections were pretty boring too.. Well, thats my opinion! I won’t advise anyone to take my word for it!!!


We didn’t have time to lose once the show was over.. We said our byes to everybody and got inside the vehicle-of-terror again.. We stopped at somewhere to have dinner, though I was not sure why, since I knew that I’m gonna throw-up minutes after I get inside that SUV.. But the return journey was not that bad.. Well I don’t know whether it was.. I was feelin really sleepy.. It’ll be around 2am when we reach Trivandrum, and I’m gonna have to wake up at 7 inorder to get ready and reach the company. After the terrible pressures of the day, I couldn’t stay awake to check whether his driving skills had improved.. I vaguely remember Lekshmi’s younger bro blabbering from behind inorder to keep us awake.. Anju was sleeping on my lap, and that kept me wedged between the chauffeur’s seat and mine, which was working like a seat-belt, saving my head from hitting on the front seat and the window, like it had happened during the morning ride!

After dropping Anju and Lekshmi off at Anju’s aunt’s place where they both were to stay during the internship, it was lucky Shalin’s turn to escape from that bobbling-coffin-with-wheels.. The number of people in the vehicle had reduced and resultantly, I had become unfixed and open to momentum-tantrums again.. Anyways, after some more minutes, I reached home safe and sound [to my surprise!] It was almost 2:30am.. and I couldn’t go to bed without a shower.. So by the time I went to bed, it was past 3 and I hoped that sombody’ll wake me up at 7 in the morning even if the alarm fails me!! Aah.. The sweet comfort of my bed…. No point in saying goodnight now.. Sweet dreams.. Bubbyee!!

To be continued…

Straightening my life out!!

Been wondering what to write… I no longer feel that I’m doing this because I like it… I sort of feel that I’m obligated to make a blog entry every month… Therefore its not fun anymore…. Maybe if I had access to net a lot more, or if I could find a lot more of peace, privacy and serenity than whats available right now, I could have dedicated more time for blogging… I do remember how much good I felt when thoughts came into my mind just like that….

I was watching the pics I took at the house that we were all staying at, near the college.. They are still lingering in my mind, especially the ones that were taken on the last day… We made a special dinner : Chapathi, Chicken Curry, Gulab jamuns and Chocolate Cake!! We ordered the cake and except that, everything was made by us! It was sort of a farewell party.. We have vacated the house and are day-scholars for the moment… I’m stayin with my aunt at Kottayam.. Its almost and hour from my college, and I’ve to take two buses and a train to reach college.. Its a tough job, but I’m trying to see its positive side… Except for the fact that I’ve not been able to find any till now…. Oh wait.. Thats not totally true.. I do have one…. I don’t have to be around anymore with the one person who I actually started to hate… She’s been drivng me mad for the past two years, and its like she has become my responsibility now… I don’t have to teach [read spoon-feed] her anymore, I don’t have to think about ideas and clothes for her art-plates anymore, I don’t have to worry about wtf is wrong with her when she doesn’t speak to me… Thats probably the one damn thing I’m the happiest about… I mean, wtf was that all about? Coming back from college talking all the way like best buds, and then after 2 or 3 hours at home[sleeping/taking bath], she’s just avoiding eye-contact with me.. Won’t talk to me, won’t listen to me, won’t agree with me even for things which even a rubber-band wouldn’t have a different opinion about…. And if I ask her whats wrong, she’ll say nothing’s wrong… I’m not a mind-reader, for the love of God… I stopped asking whats wrong when this ‘not talking’ thing became less surprising… And I’ve stopped assuming that its something I did.. Anyways, thank God I don’t have to spend another year with her… I cannot totally avoid her.. Coz we’re a gang of four.. We haven’t openly declared this problem, eventhough both of us know about it… Even if I bring it up, she’ll deny it.. So there’s no point.. I think I like her a little bit even now.. And the more time I spend with her, more are the chances for me to lose that liking… So isn’t it the best if we don’t live together ever again….?

Familiarity breeds contempt

Very sarcastic… Ideally, familiarity should breed concern.. I mean, I should be able to forget all inhibitions while talking with someone I’m very familiar with, rather than be more conscious about it.. Technically, thats how it should be.. Why the question "How many times have I told u that u r not doing it right?"??? Rhetorical, I’ll say… If you’ve said it too many times before, and if there hasn’t been a change till now, maybe you should start realizing that it can’t be changed at all.. But I’m afraid nobody’ll be able to back me up there.. Not that I don’t like to change.. I usually try to make myself appealing to others.. But I’m not bound to change by force other than that of my own.. No obedience? hmm.. Interesting… I’ve never asked that to me! Am I not obedient..? Wow! I’ve no answer to that one!! Well.. I am…atleast…60% obedient.. But I’m a better daughter and sister than what I used to be.. Really… Sometimes I like to irritate people with my behavior just to leave me alone.. I do not take orders. I do not negotiate beyond a certain level (as opposed to the fact that I’m a peace lover). I give in only to one emotion. U wanna bend and fold me? Instead of breeding contempt, try speaking to my heart..

Questions… Part 1

Have u felt unwanted ever in ur life so far? When u r surrounded by ur parents, cousins and even friends….. Have u felt so? If u haven’t, consider urself lucky… If u have, I donno what to tell u… There r times in life, when no matter how much u struggle to be someone, people do not take u seriously…Deep inside, u feel no-one really cares about what u think or what u r.. Well, sometimes, u feel that people don’t even know that u exist.. And no matter how loud u shout, ur screams r unheard.. No matter how bright u dress, people do not notice u.. Times when people see through u… And u know that u ain’t wearing that invisibility cloak..

Have u ever gone through that phase of life?

Have I ever gone through that phase of life?

Maybe… Maybe not…