I hastily walked in once the doors slided open. I didn’t expect to see any familiar face in there. For almost an year, I’ve been walking through these doors, but never have I encountered anyone who looked even remotely close to anyone I know. I was most disinterested and the thought of going back home no more cheers me up like it used to an year ago. It was a completely new place. I think I had gotten adjusted to this life the very second I got here. That is, if spending every single day that’s not a tad different from the previous one, living in sheer monotony, can possibly come up with something to adjust to, which it never has. Well, never until today. Today was different. As I walked through the doors, I had nothing much to think about. hmm.. Not true. The overwhelming thought of getting a seat, which was an indispensible part of my routine, never fails me. It takes more than skill or luck to slide your way through, sans pushing or foot-stamping, and finally obtain that empty seat. Today also, I got to win! It is amazing how the shallow, fleeting excitement from these little things constitute an integral contribution to my daily dose of adrenalin rush. For a person who used to live on the edge, this ought to be hell. Surprisingly, I did not care enough. My life had become this. And I will live it till my last breath, no matter what. This, I say after eradicating all traces of optimism that could be contained in or between those words. I say it only because of the numbness that the cruelty of my own past has imposed on me.

The numbness didn’t keep me from smiling at her. As she smiled back, I noticed that her eyes were not as wide as mine. Neither was she drunk with awe like me. She seemed composed, even when I was sitting right next to her. But I was getting the greatest adrenalin rush than any that I had gotten in the last one year, or all of them combined. It was probably like saving all the seats in that goddamn metro train before anyone sits on any of them. I tried to see whether she was looking at me. She wasn’t. She was looking down. There is nothing more emotionally hurting than a break up that didn’t go well, especially when you were the only one who didn’t want it. I asked her how she was. She was pressing buttons on her PDA, and her answer was nothing more than a casual facial expression and shoulder-shrug that conveyed “What can I say..”. I told her that I moved here an year ago, and that I’ve been taking this train everyday to my office and back. I also said that I’ve never chanced upon anyone I knew, although I had been living here for an year. Well that wouldn’t have actually happened if I hadn’t left it to chance to meet them. I was shut off from all sorts of communication with my friends. I talk to my family, not often though. I don’t have friends at the office. I kept myself aloof from the mingling. I said that the weather over here is very nice, and that I’ve started to really like it here. I mentioned my favorite restaurant and the place I go to buy groceries from. I mentioned the places in the city which I thought were simply beautiful. I glanced around and said that the rush was lesser that evening, and that’s when I realized that I have to stop babbling. She didn’t respond to anything, not even a tiny twitch of a facial muscle. She kept pressing the buttons. I saw the guy who was sitting next to her. He was sleeping. How can you possibly sleep next to a girl who looks as pretty as her? And here I am, on the other side, trying to build up a conversation with the only girl I’ve ever loved, and who at some point of time, did love me too. I told her that it has not been the same since we broke up, that the break-up made a major change in my lifestyle. I told her that she looked really good that day. Then, I told her that I’ve missed her.

Approximately ten minutes later, words finally stopped coming out of my mouth. And after about two minutes of silence, silence pertaining to my mouth and hers alone, I asked her whether she was never gonna reply. And she stopped pressing the buttons. She looked at me, the same way she looked at me an year ago, before walking out on me. I craved to hear her say, “I’ve missed you”. Like always, she let me down. She said, “This is my stop” and got up. For one moment, I thought she stopped pressing those buttons because of me; to answer my questions; to satisfy my cravings. To know right now whether I would have asked her if I could see her again, or whether she’s living in the same city, or any other hopeful questions, I should have needed sufficent time in between her “This is my stop” and another unexpected gesture. My mind went totally blank with that last gesture. She awakened the man who was sleeping next to her, by gently patting on his cheek. As soon as the doors slided open, both of them walked out of the train, leaving a miserable me inside, still sitting on the seat that I saved, with two empty ones next to me. She did not say goodbye, and she did not turn back to look. Now I know why he could sleep sitting next to her. She belonged to him, that’s why he can sleep so peacefully, even inside a crowded metro train. The doors slided close again.

Prelude

Vids: yep!! good old school days!!

Vids: 8->

Friend: and college was totally different :)

Vids: i like school days better, though…

Vids: enthannariyilla… [Donno why..]

Vids: oru unity undayirunnathe pole… [Like there was some kind of a unity..]

Friend: enikku nere thiricha :D [For me, it's the opposite]

Friend: i made better friends at college :-?

Vids: hehe!! ente ippolathe close buds school pals ane!! :P [My close pals are still the ones from school!]

Vids: college-il ake oraal ane real close… baaki ellam shallow.. [I have only one close friend from college.. Rest all are shallow..]

Vids: athentha? [Why so?]

Vids: u studied there for 12 yrs rt?

Friend: no no….5 years in one class, next year in another, next 2 in another

Vids: eh??

Vids: vere school? [another school?]

Friend: +2 *name_of_school* :D

Friend: till 4 th *name_of_school* :D

Vids: hmm… so u studied longer in engg coll

Vids: mebbe that’s y

Friend: yeah kinda :)

Friend: school friends kept changing

Vids: hmm..

Vids: i studied in my school for 12 long years

Vids: :)

Vids: u can imagine the depth of friendship i had with my school pals

Friend: yep !! :)

Friend: 12 years is a loooooong time :)

Vids: more than a decade :o

Vids: wow!! i realized that only now!!!

Friend: hehe :D

Friend: yes ~! one decade of same set of friends :)

Vids: oh my god!!!

Vids: i am gonna blog about this!! :D

Friend: ;)

Friend: go ahead ;)

Vids: thanks!! :P

I realized only last night that I’ve known my close buds for over ten years!! I mean, it’s really astonishing to realize that some of the people I talk to today came into my life more than ten years back, considering I’m only 22 now! How many people have been there in my life for more than ten years? Besides parents, bro and relatives, of course.. hmm..

My neighbors.. They’ve known me for twenty one years so far, I think! My first year was spent at the rented house we had, which I have no memory of living in.. Anyway, in this neighborhood, I was the only girl; the other houses were populated with a father, mother and two sons. So I was pampered a lot, obviously, by the mommies of all these sons! I remember something funny that I used to do when I was small. Every time I bought a new dress, hair-clip, bangle or whatsoever fancy, I used to take a trip to all these houses to show it off! Thankfully, I don’t do that now!!! :D Anyway, one more female member joined us some time later; she was the eldest and most respectable one out of the lot! We were a battalion of eleven, two girls and nine guys, in which two of them were younger than me, one guy of my same age and six of them older than me. I remember all the Deepawalis, Onams, Vishus and Karthikas that were spent together. It was one hell of a bonding :-) It does feel like a two decade long relationship…

My school-van-driver.. hmm.. Not really a decade, but nine years is long enough. His name is Madhu, maybe over 55 years old when I was in tenth standard. He was not actually the driver, he was the owner. The driver was another guy. Madhu Uncle used to sit inside to take care of the kids to see that all of us behave properly inside the van! I remember only a few things about him though. He had a beard which was longer than usual; some of the hairs gone grey. His voice when raised, scared the hell out of quarreling, noisy children!! There were some kids who behaved properly all the time, at whom he never yelled. I was one of them! [I used to be a quiet girl till tenth standard] I was the first person to get into the Mahindra van named ‘Kannan Travels‘ every morning, mine being the first stop. This means I get to sit wherever I please to sit every morning! Sometimes, I used to walk to the place where the van was parked, and get inside rightaway to avoid standing and waiting at the stop. Everyday, at sharp 7:45 AM, the driver will start the van and my journey to school thus begins! For almost half an hour, Madhu Uncle will be chanting prayers and that time, only devotional songs will be played inside the van. He used to keep a couple of pictures of Hindu Gods on the dashboard, light incense, and hang a small garland of fresh jasmine flowers on the pictures. He goes to Sabarimala every year, and that’s the time all the children used to monkey around in the van, unable to be controlled by the substitute! The last time I saw him was two years back near my school. After a few minutes of chit-chatting [because he had a van full of kids to be dropped at their respective homes!], well after chit-chatting, I must have gone where I was going. I don’t remember. Anyway, I don’t know where he is now or what he is doing either. But that’s a person who I’ve talked to, almost everyday for nearly a decade!

My friends from school.. My close buddies from school, they are the ones who I still hang out with. And I can’t believe that I’ve been knowing them for ten whole years, well, actually sixteen years! I remember my first day in school. I joined a little late in first standard, only in the second term. I had a bad leg accident a few days before the class started. My bro’s friend was riding the cycle, me sitting in front, on the bar on which the cycle’s seat is fixed. My foot was caught between the cycle’s spokes. That did a lot of damage to my foot, me being a small five year old kid. It took a lot of time to heal, leaving a scar that’s visible even now! I couldn’t walk for a long time and I had to stay away from school even without attending the first official day! My first day was the first day of the second term. My class teacher, Ms. Gladys, made me sit on the second bench, out of consideration [:-|] with a girl named Rekha, whose pink plastic earrings I still remember!! I don’t know whether it was the big plastic earrings or the neatly brown-paper-bound and plastic laminated books that made me uneasy. Well, I think the primary reason was that she kept stamping my wound which had not healed yet. On complaining [I was a small kid, forgive me!], Gladys Teacher moved me to the back bench where only a girl and a boy were sitting. Gladys Teacher also asked the girl to help me catch up with my studies. So, the first girl I talked to in first standard was Minu. [I remember the boy, Thomas, who was sitting in between us! We soon chucked him out to the end of the bench, for Minu and me to sit together!] We still call each other up, hang out together, and she never forgets to wish me on my b’day! I studied for twelve years with her, and then two more years at college. She became my senior in college as I joined a year late! She was the only familiar face for a while, until I made some new friends from my batch. Was that history repeating or something? :P Another great friend who I met in school is Maria, one of my best friends, who gives me advices that actually work! The good thing about such a long friendship is that, even if we don’t call each other up frequently [maybe only thrice a month or even less], every time that ‘hello’ is heard over the phone, I feel a certain comfort and warmth, and never feel that we’ve not talked for that long! I find my true comfort level only with a few people, and these great ones I found in school are some of them. Everyone from my batch, during the learning phase of our lives must have built up a common wavelength or something, which got only better with time and that too, a whopping twelve years! When I talk to Maria or any of the others, I do not feel that we were talking everyday for over a decade, and kept talking with the same fervor even after school. I feel like I’ve known them ever since the day I was born! If all the talking were represented by a line, I would neither see the beginning of it, since time has effaced it as it grew, nor the end, since we are never gonna fall away! I’m not gonna say how many times that line would circle the earth, since that line’s tacky(-ier.. hehe!)!!

I had to sit with this blog entry for a long time. I intented only to mention the astonishingly interesting discovery and realization of a decade of friendship. I never thought that it would turn out to be a probe into my life instead! I had to clear out a lot that I wrote, since it was just too many details! I’ve said what I needed to say. Gonna keep the rest to myself! ;-)

First of all, the people who kept their words and came for the Orkut Meet are Sampath, Srijith, Sajith, Vivek, Cris, Drisya and me.

I got there at 2:15pm, and Srijith and Sampath were already there. :-) We went inside and Srijith told me that Sajith was already there wandering around somewhere inside! I think he had spent the whole day inside the museum premises, attending the TDF meeting in the morning and the Orkut Meet afternoon! :-P By 2:30, Vivek also came in, with his priced possession, his camera, clasped in his hands! Inseparable beings… :-P We waited there till 2:45, and starting to sense that it couldn’t go anymore beyond the 5 of us, we proceeded to the next step, i.e, Ice-creams!! :-D

When we were halfway through to the KTDC Restaurant, Srijith received a call in his mobile. It was none other than Cris! :-) So now we became a decent 6, until things got even better! Cris had bought a friend along, Drisya, or rather, Dr. Drisya! :-P Yay!! Now we were 7 in number!!!

The ice-cream session was really fun, though I think both Srijith’s and my earnestness to get the food and drinks from the counter was clear mistaken, as we were affectionately addressed as ‘Suppliers’ by the team!!! :-D Btw Sajith, Sampath and Vivek decided to be bujis and opted tea ;-) Of course, it was for other reasons that they wanted to deprive themselves of ice-creams!! We all know!! :-P There was some questionable ‘pazhampori‘ too, one for each, though us, the girls, didn’t eat any. I think there was only one remaining by the time we left.. hmm.. I think someone was really hungry!! Wonder who.. :-P Srijith?? Maybe!!!

After a second round of ice-creams, we moved to the Kanakakkunnu Ground, towards all those rides, the giant wheel, the boat etc etc.. I persuaded everyone to get into a particular ride, which I never liked for a single moment while I was in it, especially after hearing from Cris that she’s scared of such rides too!! :-P We all got in with much expectations, Vivek sitting behind me exactly like he said he would, so that he can throw up perfectly all over me!!!! :-D But the thing stopped working all of a sudden to our disappointment, especially mine, since I so wanted Cris and Drisya to go through what I had gone through the previous day!!!!! Anyway, we got the ticket back and we decided to get into the giant wheel instead. Srijith, Sampath and I were in one cage(cage? gondola? cabin? what’s it called, btw??), Vivek in the next one, and Sajith, Cris and Drisya in another one. Once the thing gained speed, I started making hysterical noises, Sampath keeping (apparently :P) cool, and Srijith, I think, was trying to dislodge the cage off the hook.. X-( Anyways, after much horrific anticipation, the wheel stopped spinning at last.. whew!!!

Well, it was almost 5pm by then. Cris and Drisya had to go somewhere, and I think Sajith had gotten tired by then. We all started saying our byes and dispersed slowly. That was an end to an amazing day of fun.. :-)

They called me on 30th morning. It was around 9:30 AM, and I was still sleeping! I’ve divided almost all my contacts in my phone into groups and has assigned ringtones for each group. So when my phone goes ‘You donno how you met me, you donno why you can’t turn around..”, most of the time, it means that some stranger is calling. I thought it was the Airtel guys, calling to ask me to pay my phone bill. But this was a landline number, so I was eager to find out who it was. I cleared my throat to seem a little less cranky and attended the call. A female voice asked me whether she is talking to Vidya Gopalakrishnan. Upon affirmation, she told me that she is calling me from an institute called ‘Figurelines’. I remember the name, my dad had gone there once to leave my resume for a lecturer’s post. I couldn’t go, since I was having my dentist’s appointment everyday, and couldn’t talk.. They told him that they’ll call me if something comes up. So I was thinking that something had come up. I listened more carefully to what she was saying.. She told me that she found my resume in her office, and asked if I was working anywhere now. I said I wasn’t, and she asked me to go to her office as soon as I can. Before hanging up, she also asked whether I was willing to work outside Trivandrum.

I jumped out from my bed after I hung up! I had to get there before 10:30 atleast, lest they think I was sleeping!! When I reached there, it took a bit of time to start the interview, since the Institute owner had gone out. The owner was a woman, who presented a warm smile as she came into the room. A little later, her husband came in too. And the talking began. I don’t remember much of the conversation, but I do remember the important parts. They told me that they are not only running a school, but also a boutique. The school provided Diploma in Fashion Design, and it was a one-year course. Some of the students chose to work in the boutique, while some of them choose to start their own. Right now, the offer that came to me was not from the school. It was from the boutique. Not their boutique, it was from one that one of their friends in Kozhikkode was starting. This friend was starting a boutique in a town called Kottakkal, between Thrissur and Kozhikode. It was a small town, but a town full of NRIs, ready to spend whatsoever it takes to buy clothes without having to go too far into the city! Ample opportunity, if you ask me! This guy, the friend needed a degree holder as their designer, and that’s how I was called upon.

I had to relocate to this town. That’s the only thing that scared me. It’s a small town after all.. And I won’t be making much money :-( But during the interview, due to an unexpected turn of events, I was offered a good pay and also, an ASSISTANT!!! :D For a fresher like me, this was absolute bliss!!! I was floating up there, somewhere, for the rest of the day!! :P God! This was my first job, I finished my course two months before, and I get to be a FASHION DESIGNER, I had to run the boutique, had my own assistant, got the best salary ever out of everyone who had studied BFT in my college!! Making good money out of something that I love!! Now that’s some achievement!!! :D

I didn’t pinch myself to see if I was dreaming, coz if I was, I didn’t wanna wake up! There are simply no words to express my endless happiness or gratitude to all my friends who’ve been praying for me, especially three of my friends, one who I asked to pray for me [her prayers work everytime, therefore I save it for special occasions! :P], another friend who I didn’t ask, but prayed for me out of pure concern :-) and another friend, who couldn’t call me on my b’day because she had no balance, so prayed to God for me instead :-)

But after I had came down from cloud nine, I began thinking about it. I mean, this all happened too easy and it’s too good to be true! Neither have I paid my dues, nor have I sacrificed anything that perfect for something like this to happen. I do believe, though faintly, in the doctrine of Karma! I don’t believe in many lives and all, but I do believe that deeds are rewarded or punished in this life itself.. Maybe I’m being stupid, but come on.. Do I deserve this? Is this some kind of a trap? Yet to see.. As of now, I’m going back to cloud nine and stay there! :P

My last post was about joblessness. All about finding my life to be so void, because I really had nothing else to do.. Well, I’ll pick-up from where I left..

I got tired sitting at home, doing nothing worthwhile and I started to feel like I was dull and stupid.. From my batch of 30 students, only 3 of them had gotten jobs, therefore, I could’ve pacified myself.. But I am the black sheep who dropped out of engineering college and went to study art..['stitching' as it's called by most people I know.. Can't understand what kind of happiness they all get by degrading it. It's one of the most upsetting things to hear, for me, it makes me wanna rip their spleen out and tear it into pieces.. But most of the times, it's the people who I love a lot that chooses to call what I study as 'stitching'.. So I've learned to control the anger, and just let it go.. or commonly known as 'what the hell'].. As I was saying, being the one who failed to stick to the modus operandi of successful livelihood, it was essential for me to get a job as quickly as possible. Ergo, I decided to go to Bangalore.

Bangalore was just a plan in my head. I wanted to go soon, very soon. I was thinking about it day and night, wondering where to stay, where to go etc.. I called up Asha, a friend, to find a place to stay and she said I could stay where she [and a number of other females] is staying as paying guest. Well, stay was my only problem, and it was solved as quickly as that. Now all I needed was the drive to travel alone to B’lore! But another friend, Neeraja, called me up to ask how things were going and whether I had got a job yet. I told her about the little B’lore dream I had in mind and Bingo! [Wow.. Never used 'bingo' before!] She was planning the same thing and was looking for a companion to go with! Before hanging up, we decided the dates, when to go and most likely, when to return! Everything happened too fast, and we were in Bangalore on Aug 11th morning.

I don’t really wanna rewind that one week in Bangalore. The job-hunt part was saddening. Two questions decided our fate in the interview.

1. Do you have experience?

2. Are you from NIFT (National Institute of Fashion Technology) ?

After saying two mournful ‘No’s, second one less audible than the first, which is also a cue to rise half-way up from the seat, it’s better to start thinking about the next company to go to. Because, ‘hmm.. Leave your resume here, we’ll call you back if something comes up” doesn’t take more time than that needed to rise rest of the way up! Experience is way overrated, if u ask me.. hmph! How will I get experience if nobody gives me a job in the first place?

It’s tough to become a designer. Really tough. My Aunt’s friend graduated from NIFT-Delhi, and had experience as a designer in Delhi, and still had to wander for 6 months before getting a job as Designer in B’lore.. That little story that Dad told me was supposed to keep me going.. But I was horrified and devastated instead!!

The other companies I went to did have vacancies, but we had to start from down below, and sounded too low for an aspiring graduate. We had never heard about any seniors who had to do the same; everybody got jobs as merchandisers [Wonder why nobody even wanted to become a designer..] I never wanted to be a merchandiser, but I was willing to become one, out of desperation. I was willing to do a mediocre job without getting paid, for like 1 or 2 months, something like training. But the kind we both were offered didn’t sound good. It was the post of a ‘Floor Supervisor’ at Provogue. Well, I don’t mind the title and it was not such a demeaning job. I know I have to do a lot of homework, pay my dues [pay heavily, because neither did I pursue a course that has a lot of possibilities, nor did I study it in a well-known institute] before I get a job that I desire. But something troubled both of us, while we were sitting inside Barista, drowning our sorrows in black coffee! We were sitting right next to the Provogue store, separated from it only by a glass panel, and observing the thriving business. The thought of having to wear a uniform did trouble us! But not enough to back out from it. But by the time we reached home, both of us decided that we’re not gonna give up and become Floor Supers so easily!

Nevertheless, with every bit of confidence drained out, we both decided to go back home and booked tickets in fair winds that blew homewards. [Ornate, I know.. But going home is always a relief for me :-) especially in that condition!] That’s the end of the B’lore saga.

I reached home on August 17th morning. I was pretty sad and very reluctant to tell bro and mom that I didn’t get any job. Dad was very supportive, he kept calling me all the time to make sure I was okay. Well, his voice was very soothing, and I was feeling okay eventually.

I utilized the days to work on my port-folio, and to learn more about photography. However, the Joblessness Monster was on loose again, and I thought I’d give it another shot. I planned to go to Bangalore again, by September 7th, but this time to the industrial area, Yashwantpur, where most of the export houses are located. I never wanted to be a merchandiser, especially not in an export house. Retail showrooms were far better, but I hate export houses and the madness enveloped within. I never wanted to be a part of that.. But desperate times call for desperate measures :-( I called Asha again and fixed the dates.

Little did I know that fate had chosen to be kind to me one more time! ;-)

To be continued…

I’m depressed.. For many reasons.. Some of my friends know some reasons.. But nobody knows all of them… I don’t know whether anyone’s gonna understand what I’m going through. Or whether anyone can actually put away so much time to listen to all my worries..[Do you ever feel so deep, that you speak your mind to put others straight to sleep, you wonder if anybody cares.. Song : 'Bare Naked' by Jennifer Love Hewitt] Why I wake up every morning feeling sad… Why certain things are happening to me… Why I am going through such a difficult time.. Hell.. Sometimes even I don’t know why I’m going through such a difficult time… I’m trying to make myself believe that everybody is going through a similar phase, and that they, like me, are just afraid to bring it out in the open… Maybe I’m right.. Who knows…

Things are never going right after my college years are over. Or things were never right, but I was just too busy to notice that.. Whatever, I’m having a lot of free time, and I just can’t stop thinking about the disaster that my life is.. Maybe years later, I might read this blog entry and just have a good laugh, with my life running too smoothly and all.. Well that’s how I dream it.. But what if it keeps getting worser and worser? hmm.. I always believe that tomorrow’s gonna be a better day.. I learn from the mistakes that I made today, hoping to never make them again, and like someone said, just make new mistakes to learn from! It’s like metamorphosis, isn’t it?

Doing things to divert attention helps.. Like I read two Chetan Bhagat novels at one go.. ‘Five Point Someone’ was pretty good, but ‘Three Mistakes of My Life’ was a complete mistake in my opinion.. I think I’ll agree to Kris’s theory, that the first one was out of pure creativity and imagination, the second one, ‘One Night @ A Call-Center’, written in-order to meet the deal with Rupa and Co., missing a bit of both [so I've heard, never read it, though I want to] and the third one, ultimately running out of both, having to surrender and write someone else’s story in an ‘un-ChetanBhagat’ point of view! I’ve also started reading Malayalam novels, thanks to my Dad’s great collection of mind-blowing works! Reading surely helps a lot than anything else… Like listening to music, for instance.. Some songs bring back memories, both good and bad ones, and some songs have pretty irritating lyrics which is like reading your own sad biography!

There are some more things that scare the living crap out of me.. Especially, the word ‘future’. Till now, when I wanted to do something for my future, I studied in school, then college, then dropped out and then again in college.. The dropping out was a major turning point of my life, cos it has taken me to places I suppose I’d have never gone to, if I had continued my engineering studies. And maybe I wouldn’t have been jobless now, who knows!! Or maybe I’ve been saved from a list of supplementary exams that I might’ve had to take! hehe!! I’m not looking back with regret, hell no!! I’m not sorry at all… My short-term goals are over, and it’s pretty confusing to think ‘What’s next?’ and difficult to get the clue to find the next stepping stone to success..

Even if I find everything I need, emerge out successful at the end of some day, I know I’ll still be waking up sad the next day, since I don’t have a solution to any of my problems.. Talking helps, and everybody loves giving advices, but I’ve stopped taking advices and trying them in my life. It has never worked so far. And now I’ve realized that there is no ultimate solution to all problems; everybody has to figure out what’s wrong and what can be done in his/her own damn life. Part of the metamorphosis, I believe.. But talking certainly takes away some pressure.

Well, I pray everyday to God to make my life easier, but the prayers aren’t working too. I didn’t lose my faith or anything, but I started doubting whether prayers are gonna work at all.. But out of the blue, Zee Studio made a huge fuss about the movie ‘Bruce Almighty’ which they showed on 19th July. Well I’ve seen that movie before; it’s a good one so I felt like I should not miss it. 19th is a very special date to me since it’s my birthday on 19th Aug, and that made the movie much more special! Well, I don’t have to say much more, that was like a sign, I’d forgotten why Bruce was made God in the movie, so this movie just refreshed my memory and my senses too! Therefore, praying is still my refuge, since I’m jobless and have no money to go shopping! ;-)

If I’ve sustained your interest so far, I guess I should stop this endless ramble, while you still have it!! Adieu.

98% of marriages in India are arranged.. Not true? Maybe not.. I didn’t do a research or anything on it… But I think that 98% of marriages in India are arranged..

Why? Because, people in India are bought up that way.. Simple! We Indians have great respect for our parents.. Especially moms.. [who carried us painfully for 9 months..] I’ve heard from a friend of mine, who’s grandma who dared to say this cliched pregnancy-debt fact to her son, was taken aback when he asked her to jump into a sack, so that he can carry her around for 9 months, by which this debt-talk can be avoided forever…

Dare I say that parents in India are self-centered.. to have bought up their kids as loyal servants who carry out duties that have been set forth by their parents, living life the way parents want them to live.. Of course, it’s always the most practical way to live life… But not always how the insignificant “you” wanna do it…

I’ve had this talk with my friends a lot of times… The plot was, they meet the love of their life.. Indulges in a three year long meaningful relationship.. by which time, they can see each other as a married couple.. But things don’t go their way at home.. Parents don’t want them to marry that person, because of their cast/religion/blah-blah..

What will they do?

Try to make themselves and their parents understand that ‘this is the love of my life, the person who I’ve known like Einstein knew physics, who’s like an open book to me, who’s moodswings I know about, who’s silence does not need an explanation, who I can always live with, and most importantly, who I cannot live without..’

Or will they take a decision to forget all that, instead, think about ‘not letting our parents down after they’ve taken care of us so far, providing us shelter, feeding us, taking care of us, paying our school fees, college fees, current bill, water bill, mobile bill and all other monetary involvements taken care of, again that 9-months debt, shoot them into the higher social strata of our society by marrying a smaller version of Anil Ambani[no Reliance, only the bank balance], or at least remain in the same stratum by not marrying a bus conductor [or kili!! :-D], how we don’t want our own kids to behave this way later [Too late! Indian parenting traits have been successfully acquired and uploaded!!], how parents are always right and wants the best for us [which is true, but regarding truth, sadly, for each, his own..], etc etc”?

Which way will they go?

Most of them are willing to take the second option, that is to forget everything, and obey their parents.. [These are the ones who believe that ultimate love only means supreme sacrifice.. Their 'happily ever after' is pretty simple..]

And there were some who said that they won’t marry either ones, they’ll just “diplomatically” stay single forever [I failed to see the diplomacy really.. They're pretty much hurting their parents either way. These are saddists who don't want anybody to be happy, not even themselves..]

A few of them replied that it’s the responsibility of parents all over the world to do whatever that has been discussed in option number 2.. They said that when they are gonna have kids of their own, they are never gonna raise them inside this bubble of ambitions and dreams, which never has place for the kid’s own, or expecting favors in return for raising them and for fulfilling their basic needs. These are the ones who said that love is the essence of life, which is beyond all crap [classifications based on religion, caste and all that]… Its like, “I’ll never let go of you, come what may…”

But, this is not what I wanted to talk about! There is another group of people, who take both options into consideration, who wanna fall in love, who have acquired the Indian traits successfully, believe that parents expecting their off-springs to not let them down is perfectly alright [and its the second birth-right after 'Swaraj'..] They are the ones who really know a thing or two about diplomacy!

For example.. A middle class Hindu Nair boy, an engineering student, will search for a Hindu Nair girl doing some degree [mostly irrelevant] and fall in love with her.. She, on finding out that he’s an engg student [means food on the table 3 times a day in future], as well as a Hindu Nair [which means, Mom n Dad are gonna be so happy and proud about me!] will start reciprocating his love!!! Likewise, a Roman Catholic Boy will fall in love with a Roman Catholic Girl only.. If a colleague who they talked to a lot yesterday, or meets at the ATM regularly, who they are interested in, turns out to be from a different community [for cryin out loud], they’ll never feel the same way about him/her again… Because, one of the many unique Indian traits they have successfully acquired is to be a walking marriage bureau themselves!! ;-) And if the colleague in question is indeed from the same community, ‘love happens’!! And when they get married one day, they’ll say that it was an arranged love marriage.. But thats not right, it was an arranged marriage alone.. Maybe an arranged arranged marriage.. The walking marriage bureau that you are, arranged it once, your parents arranged it again..

So wasn’t I atleast somewhat right when I said in the beginning that 98% of marriages in India are arranged? ;))

Source of inspiration : ‘For Matrimonial Purposes’ by Kavita Daswani.. I hope nobody gets a wrong idea about the book because of this fragment of insanity!!!

Sometimes, I donno whether I’m doin the right thing.. I doubt if I should have deserved such a fate[if thats really the one that I'm gonna get]. For two reasons..

a) I require and I am supposed to require something better and deserving, something that is able to fill all the voids that have been created in my life.. All my life, I had been praying to God to bless me with such a fate.. But as I’m still doing it, I know that God has granted only half of what I had prayed for, the half which is a little better than what I had before…

b) The fate that shadows my life, am I really worth it? Did I make a wrong decision? This life does not seem to fit me in. Though I believe in fate, sometimes I feel that it is me who made the wrong decision when God offered me the perfect fate.. I went for something that does not befit my lifestyle and my moods[and mood-swings!] I sometimes take pride in taking that bold choice, but it does not always bring me happiness; It does not bring everything that I wanted.. I remember the tears that I have shed praying to get it.. I remember the momentary happiness that I felt, thinking that I finally got it.. And here I am, crying again realizing the truth that I never had it, and never will…..

Epilogue

This fate, was never mine.. I acquired it, trading what’s really mine for someone else’s, without their knowledge.. The possiblity that my real fate could have bought me the happiness that I craved for; it looks down on me, and I don’t have a place to hide from it’s sorrowful eyes, and I cannot endure the brutal embrace of the shame that it has bought on me… This life’s not mine, and I’m never your’s, and never have I been completely your’s, quite contrary to what, sometimes, you and I might’ve felt.. I’m probably trying to be as good as the rightful owner of this fate, cheating both you and me.. I can see that you’re happy, but not as happy as you could have been with the original. My malicious act has bought pain to you as well[though I never wished to see you suffer], and that is the second reason why I wonder whether I deserved such a fate..

I’m sorry my dear, I’m sorry I did this to you… As long as you don’t realize the truth, I can put on.. But one day, I will confess it to you.. You must be strong, coz one day, I will….

Note : I’m neither talking to/about a person nor any inanimate object! These are just fragments of my insanity!

I’m relieved; as 2007 has come to an end… 9 has always been my unlucky number… And 2007 was a luckless year, as far as everything was concerned… Except that my 1st and 2nd sem results came, and I didn’t flunk in any subject… Well, let’s not give all the credit to luck alone for not flunking! Effort was there from my side too, right? Yeah right.. Who am I kidding.. Its just plain luck!

Towards the end of the year, I got a lot of friends, the ones who I have been keeping at bay, for some unknown reason.. I had gotten tired of coming online for a while, and that’s why I think I could talk only little or none to them.. During the break-up with my boyfriend, I had nothing to do to keep me busy, so I was online all the time. I started talkin to many of my friends from orkut who I had added once, but never really got to know.. It is always nice to have wonderful friends, and the effort that is put into staying in touch with them really pays off… :-) I have really known this year the value of friends, and how much they can change one’s life… I have changed a lot; I have become a better person this year!! I think that was my New Year resolution for 2007!!! :-P

On 31st December, I wasn’t out there partyin or having any kind of fun, I was doing my assignment!!! I had solemnly promised to myself that I will finish all my pending work before 2008, and I am very happy to say that I did finish them all.. There’s a video in my mobile-phone in which I am cutting the New Year cake holding a painting brush in my other hand!! The beginning of the year was pretty normal [read boring] and so far it has remained the same… At college, we’re in an assignment frenzy, keeping all of them together, re-doing them, for internal marks evaluation purposes.. We have already started doing the ‘final collection’ works, like selecting the theme, discussions about it, and drawing inspirations from them… I haven’t thought of a theme yet… My mind is not clear to delve deep into the subject… Last year, Ansar Sir did it systematically by making the students meditate and having long discussions with them.. This year, the saddest part is that Ansar Sir is not there.. Our effing college had problems with him and vice versa, so he resigned.. But there’s one thing.. His skills are unmatched.. We do not have such talent amongst our existing faculty.. :-( Anyways, lets see what happens by the end of this month.. I should be having a fine theme by then…

Btw, blogging is becoming even more difficult now.. Unless I get a computer of my own, I will never be able to blog like before.. I can’t believe that it has been 4 months since my last post.. I simply cannot do this while people are around me.. Right now bro has gone out somewhere and mom is sleeping downstairs, which gave me a good window to make this entry..! Some friends have been asking me why I haven’t updated my blog.. I have been telling them that it is because I am out of material, but that is not true… I have a text file in my computer in which I have more than three unfinished entries, interrupted during its making, probably by my brother! All of them were written in different moods [very sad ones], and I haven’t been able to achieve them again.. Things appear different when you look at them once with despair, and later with relief!! Maybe that’s why when I read them now, I feel stupid! I never read my own entries after I’ve posted them!!! :-P

Uh..oh… I think I can hear bro’s bike’s sound.. Before this becomes another of my unfinished entries, lemme post it….!!

Adios!

Been a long time since I updated my blog… Was thinking of starting another blogspot account.. Lets see.. Btw.. I forgot to publish this entry in September.. So thought of adding some more stuff before publishing it…

I slept, without even caring to be excited about the next day. My internship was gonna start  later that day.. I had to be at ‘Leela Scottish Lace’ by 10:30am, and if I wanted to do that, then I would have to wake up at atleast 7:30 or 8:00.. I didn’t have my clothes ready, and I hadn’t figured out what I was gonna wear! Figuring out clothes is a pretty tough task especially on such an auspicious day!! I had to pick up something that didn’t have any disastrous events in its records! And only a fully awake me can perform intricate tasks like these.. Damn! Its almost 9 ‘o clock.. Why am I still asleep?!? And why’s no-one waking me up? Shucks I’m gonna be late.. Luckily wake-up call came in the form of my bro’s annoying voice… He was shouting at someone.. or something? I was not completely awake, so I couldn’t figure out whether it was at me, my mom or the dog.. I jumped out from the bed soon after I saw the time! And rushed to subject myself to sophistication processes.. Anyways.. by 9:45, I was presentable before people, Shalin had come, and we took around 15 mins to reach the company.. The others[Anju and Lekshmi] joined us a little later.. And we were on our way to the office..

Day 1 was unbearable for us; Anju and I hid behind the huge stack of fabrics inorder to avoid the hundreds of pairs of eyes, which scrutinized us all day.. It was the same for the others in the next two buildings.. Day 2 was better.. A girl named Asha, studying fashion designing in Bangalore, joined us in the first building. The only reason she picked this company was to stay at home for a few weeks during the internship! She was our same kind, and it did not take a long time for us to get aquainted.. well.. more than aquainted!! The five of us went out together on weekends, we shared all our good and bad memories with each other, we even shared our secrets with each other! She’s a good friend even now.. :-) Anyways, though eventful, the months of June and July and even August went just like that, which finally resulted in the re-opening of college on the 4th of September…

Since then, I’ve been pretty busy.. Work has increased, and this subject called ‘Textile Designing’ is driving me crazy!! I’ve never painted so much ever before!! I could have painted an average sized compound wall with that much time.. both front and back!!! Its been a long time since I kept that paint-brush down.. Its been a long time since I went out on weekends.. Hell! Its been a long time since I’ve even seen the city that I love! It has been only the road from Railway station to my home for almost a month… It will be the same throughout the year.. Lots n lots of work only, and no time for anything else :-( Btw.. Sports Day was on 15th.. None of us even cared to go downstairs to the ground to see what was happening!! It took Supriya Miss to give a round of cheethaparachil inorder to send all of us down! :D But once we got there, some of us got motivated enough to decide to participate! Unfortunately, we came to know that the contestants had to register a week ago… How come we didn’t know about it? :-( Anyways, we went back near the ‘Assumption Lake View’(some unclean water flowing through a channel, which thankfully didn’t smell or look bad! :D) where we could get the best view of the running race, sack race and all the other events! To me, the most impressive event was the walking race conducted for teachers. Wow, I donno how they managed to not fall walkin so fast! Anyways, there was still an event that we could register for, on the spot.. It was tug-of-war.. Desperately, I gave my name too!

Anyways… hmm.. no.. next post… :P