Been wondering what to write… I no longer feel that I’m doing this because I like it… I sort of feel that I’m obligated to make a blog entry every month… Therefore its not fun anymore…. Maybe if I had access to net a lot more, or if I could find a lot more of peace, privacy and serenity than whats available right now, I could have dedicated more time for blogging… I do remember how much good I felt when thoughts came into my mind just like that….

I was watching the pics I took at the house that we were all staying at, near the college.. They are still lingering in my mind, especially the ones that were taken on the last day… We made a special dinner : Chapathi, Chicken Curry, Gulab jamuns and Chocolate Cake!! We ordered the cake and except that, everything was made by us! It was sort of a farewell party.. We have vacated the house and are day-scholars for the moment… I’m stayin with my aunt at Kottayam.. Its almost and hour from my college, and I’ve to take two buses and a train to reach college.. Its a tough job, but I’m trying to see its positive side… Except for the fact that I’ve not been able to find any till now…. Oh wait.. Thats not totally true.. I do have one…. I don’t have to be around anymore with the one person who I actually started to hate… She’s been drivng me mad for the past two years, and its like she has become my responsibility now… I don’t have to teach [read spoon-feed] her anymore, I don’t have to think about ideas and clothes for her art-plates anymore, I don’t have to worry about wtf is wrong with her when she doesn’t speak to me… Thats probably the one damn thing I’m the happiest about… I mean, wtf was that all about? Coming back from college talking all the way like best buds, and then after 2 or 3 hours at home[sleeping/taking bath], she’s just avoiding eye-contact with me.. Won’t talk to me, won’t listen to me, won’t agree with me even for things which even a rubber-band wouldn’t have a different opinion about…. And if I ask her whats wrong, she’ll say nothing’s wrong… I’m not a mind-reader, for the love of God… I stopped asking whats wrong when this ‘not talking’ thing became less surprising… And I’ve stopped assuming that its something I did.. Anyways, thank God I don’t have to spend another year with her… I cannot totally avoid her.. Coz we’re a gang of four.. We haven’t openly declared this problem, eventhough both of us know about it… Even if I bring it up, she’ll deny it.. So there’s no point.. I think I like her a little bit even now.. And the more time I spend with her, more are the chances for me to lose that liking… So isn’t it the best if we don’t live together ever again….?

It WAS a violent storm indeed… One of the very awaited days of my college life… November 24th… The final result of our Craft Documentation programme. More than the urge to know which group will get the ‘Best Collection’ and ‘Best Documentary’ was the urge to see the grand finale to the days of practicing… I was in charge of a few things, incl. the music for the show. Everything did not go as fine as I thought it would go… The idiotic Delhi group models were too slow on stage and their music finished even before they made the final formation before leaving stage. They had to leave without music and guys [ from SB college, i suppose ] did what they do best…. hooting, howling, whistling and screaming…… I had warned all the Delhi models in the morning that this might happen and so they’ll have to walk faster when they messed up during the stage practice… They had been doing everything great till the previous day… But once they got on stage, they screwed up… I played the next track, but it didn’t start until they all were gone..

Everything went almost fine till the last part of that day’s programme. And as usual, singing the national anthem was the last part… Oh God!! I don’t even wanna think about it!!!! It went, "Jana gana mangala dhayaka jaya he…….." "Punjab Sindh Gujarat Maratha uchchala aashish mange……… " [too bad i can't remember the rest]. Its quite possible that our senior, the girl from the third year must not have tried singing the national anthem in a long long time… So she tried fitting the words "uchchala" "mange" "aashisha" "taranga" etc into the tune, wherever she pleased, to make it appear as good and similar as the original national anthem!! Again guys did a very good job…. When she stopped in between, one of the faculty grabbed the mic and started screaming, "VINDHYA HIMACHALA YAMUNA GANGA…………." on top of her voice and made it sound much more frightful than before….. The guys were given no rest…… Yes, it was a disaster… I could sense my skin peeling off….

But these are just the icing on the cake… isn’t that the right metaphor? Anyways, what I mean to say is that, Nov 24th was the day of climax to a lot more of stuff other than the Craft Doc. It was an end to a lot of fake smiles, fake understanding, fake co-operation, fake love.. In short, an end to a fake ME.. The thing that has been bothering me for 6 months, the venom of fake friendship I’ve been having is finally over…. It feels great to be the real ‘me’ again.. Looking back and then forwarding to the present, I clearly understand the sole reason behind all the failures. The only thing I faked everything for, the one thing that I didn’t wanna mess up, its over, and all pain, no gain is my situation.. No.. I don’t wanna weigh the pros and cons now.. Its too late.. And this is not the place where I wanna do it.. Rather, I’ll think about something else… Something that went unnoticed the last year.. Something that was accidentally focussed on this year.. And something that shouldn’t be probably left unnoticed. I was talking about stopping a fake friendship before.. Let me think, if everyone were to stop every fake friendship they had, how many people will still have friends? Forget about the others, how many friends will I have? The thought is frightfully disturbing… The number of fake smiles I bring on my face everyday and the ones that are returned makes my heart skip a beat… I can feel my eyes widen while I’m thinking about it.. i know that some friends of mine are just faking it. Do they know that I’m doing it too? Then why do we keep on doing it again? I can remember lots of precious moments when I smiled and laughed with people, without having to fake it.. And I can remember lots of moments when I tried hard to bring a smile on my face during conversations. I know I hate that person. And I can figure out why. So why can’t I just be myself? Why should I fake friendship? Probably because things would be very awkward if I be myself. Its just a matter of one more year… I know that I might meet more people of those types in future.. I know I can’t go on faking it forever.. [ or can I? ] And I must learn to genuinely co-operate someday.. I am trying.. But when the others do not do so, they get on my nerves. Like a friend said, its okay to be nice, but never a doormat..

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room
(unless I try to start again)

I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I’ll paint it on the walls
‘Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I’ll never be alright
So I’m
Breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight

Linkin Park – Breaking The Habit

On a beginning note, I’d like to pray for Ms. Neelima Thampan, our HOD, who passed away on 4th of September. All of us at the department knew that she had some kind of health problems that made her stay single till now.. But we never thought that it would be so serious.. She was just 29 years old, and her death is something that was least expected… May her soul rest in peace..

My Onam vacation started on 1st September. I started my vacation by fighting with Neo!!! It was a good fight and lasted for two days! By the end of the second day of my vacation, I was starting to feel that I was missing something…. I didnt get that festival feeling inside me eventhough Onam was so near… I didnt even get any vacation feeling.. It was like my usual weekends… btw.. On 31st, we had Onam celebrations at college and it sucked big time.. We all were told to be clad in Kerala’s traditional outfit, the set and mundd or set-saree. For what? For absolutely nothing!! I hate walking around when I am wearing saree.. And this time, I had to walk from house (the rented house that I’m living in..) to college… just for the sake of attendence.. thats all… Oh I could have gone without gettin the damn attendence, awrite? The five of us.. Anju, Shalin, Shinu, Sreelekshmi and I were loitering in the department looking for the others. We were expecting everybody to be there, but to our surprise, all the smartasses had already scrammed homewards….. :( So we decided to go back, Shalin and I to the hostel and the others to the auditorium to watch the onam celebrations… Both of us had to vacate hostel that day, which was a tough job esp when one is wearing a tough garment like saree..! Its not anything about saree, its the fact that I am not used to it that makes it difficult to wear it… Anyways, there was a suitcase and a hell lotta plastic bags to carry out.. It contained all my study material like books, sheets, colors and stuff… I was halfway out of the hostel (and somewhat of the saree too, i think!) when some juniors came and helped the poor me..

After we reached the house, we resumed the work in kitchen that we were on from the previous day!! The Onasadya!!! The 7 of us, the sweet inmates of the house had also four guests, 2 girls from our class and 2 others, friends of us… girls.. obviously!!! :P

We had made an Onasadya consisting of rice, sambar, avial, rasam, upperi, paripp, maanga achar, pulissery, pappadam, semiya payasam and pazham neatly spread on a thooshanila!! The sadya was great! We took turns to serve and everybody had enjoyed that day with lots of laughter, fun and food!!

Eversince this day, I never enjoyed like that during my vacation! Didn’t go out anywhere to see the illuminations in the city.. And I really really wanted to get on the giant wheel this time!! Every year this fair comes and in my life, I’ve never been on a giant wheel ever… :(( Tomorrow is the day.. I might go out tomorrow, providing that I finish my work in time… btw.. when did it become my work?? The documentary is supposed to be a team-work and I am the only one out of the five of us wasting my holidays over it.. Well.. not that I’m complaining.. I love movie editing… I have made a pretty good script and hopes to come out with a good documentary..

Anyway, I think this blog’s becoming too long than i expected… So hoping for a nice tomorrow (or today?), I’m goin to sleep! Khuda hafiz!

Refreshed…. I really needed a refreshing ever since my craft documentation (shortened as CD) programme. The long absence from my daily routine has changed me from my usual track. I used to spend a lot of time browsing, mainly Orkutting, Y! chatting and forwarding interesting mails… (No, I have a life) But now I rarely come online, and I am too lazy to reply to scraps (thinking of leaving Orkut to be more exact) or to forward any mails… I read them if the subject is interesting enough to lure me into seeing it! I haven’t blogged for a long time.. (stating the obvious!) But now I can’t think of anything to discuss about…

Classes started on Aug 1st. We were told to submit our designs and the edited documentary by the end of this month. The teacher has given a very tight schedule.. and I don’t think that anything will actually go by it! We were chillin out too much during CD and during the half month vacation. I saw Superman Returns. What a waste of time!!! I read some good books too… By the way, I read “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed Got Wild And Got A Life” during vacation and is now recommending it to everyone who reads books! Ahem… As I was saying, we were enjoying so much for the last two months, and now nobody has come out of that holiday mood!!! Everyone is feeling lazy and does not even wanna think about the fashion show!!

Exams are starting tomorrow btw.. There are two theory papers and three practicals from S1 and three from S2. Donno when the practicals are gonna be, but the theories are on 17th and 21st. Fortunately, none on my b’day!!! Oh well I forgot.. This year, I am gettin out my teens and my Dad is there to celebrate it with me!!! Home has become so sweet eversince his arrival, and thats one reason why I find it so difficult to go to college!! Fortunalely, I haven’t missed any classes till now!! Oh there is one more thing… I ain’t staying at hostel anymore….! Yippeeee!!! :P

Today, Aug 16th has a big speciality… Exactly an year before, Srijith and I met for the first time!!! And today we met again, for the umpteenth time!!!! :D

Lately, I discovered something… I am afraid of death.. I never used to have this kind of a fear before. I was never afraid to die, nor was I afraid to hear news of death. But now, everytime I read about somebody’s death in the newspaper, everytime I see a rather emotional scene on TV, I just go numb. I can’t take any news of anybody’s death.

Its just not death, I think.. I cannot take any bad news, coming to think about it. I used to be very sensitive.. But not as sensitive as I am now…. I mean.. I did notice the change, but I never gave it a thought until I dropped a few tears over the death of Suryanarayan, the Indian engineer who got killed by terrorists recently. I have never heard of him before.. I didnt even read the news about his captivity.. I know only about the news of his death… But wasn’t it really sad? Just a thought about his wife and children and a look at their pic made me feel a lump in my throat….

Is it just a deep concern? Or is it some kind of a phobia? Necrophobia, I think, is the name given to fear of death.. Do I suffer from it? I want everyone I know to be safe and sound, so I have started this new habit of praying for all whom I know…. For the last few weeks, I was crazy enough to not pick up phone calls late at night and early in the morning in fear of getting bad news….! Luckily I have got that one out of my system!! I ain’t afraid of phone calls at night or morning anymore, but I am afraid of death still…

During the last one year, I had to witness three really unexpected deaths and I have been affected eversince… I am afraid of losing my loved ones… And I don’t want to lose anyone… Not a single person that I know… And I don’t want me to die either…. I want everyone to live…… Live forever in good health…..

Its been 1 year since I started blogging… I knew that I had started in April, but I never thought I’d be checking that on the very same day!!!! I am glad that something like this came along… Coz I was out of material, and my friends have already started nagging me to blog..!! :P

Today was a very tiring day…. My friend Arya called me up the other day to ask whether I’d go along with her to my previous engg college, to invite them for a techfest that her college is hosting… I had plans to visit Marian anyway, so I agreed… Besides Marian, we had to go to UCE, GEC, MBT and SCT… My good God!! There r over 13 engg colleges in Trivandrum, and the max we can cover in one day were these 5.. Each college was located too much away from the other one in different directions… After Marian itself, we decided that one should be cut from the list.. And that one would either be GEC or MBT.. Since I was hoping to meet a friend of mine, Rajesh, at GEC, we decided that it should be MBT… Then we went to UCE.. Arya’s cousin was a lecturer in Computer Science Dept at UCE, so we asked one of the students to show us the way to get there.. I think these people didnt even know that a CS dept existed in their college until we asked about it…. Anyways, I was only too happy to leave that college.. Bless the students!! On our way out, I discovered that I had left my bottle of Aquafina in the internet lab… Bless me too!

Now we needed to get to SCT college… We striked out GEC from the list too, due to lack of time.. All instituitions were working only half-day coz of Aaraat and since SCT was one college from were participants could be expected, we decided to go there at once…. After a terrible bus journey, we reached SCT and stood near the gate, puzzled, wondering where the college really is.. I rang up a friend of mine and asked him to come to the gate… I knew him through the net only, and was about to see him for the first time! He recognized me anyway, and led us to the Principal’s office… Arya went in and talked to him..

I saw three engg colleges in the city, and none of them seemed to have a good infrastructure…. SCT was better than Marian owing to the fact that the campus had a lot of trees!! Marian looks like a coconut plantation from every angle…. And from the main entrance, it looks like the desert map in Age of Empires…

By the way, there was a fire in the forest in front of the UCE campus… And seeing the heavy smoke, we asked the students what it was.. They said, “Forest fire” and continued their work…. hmm… Engineering students.. What more could I expect? :P

Finally, exams got over.. Not that I was tensed about it or anything, but I really hated travelling to my college, thats a 3 hours journey by train from Trivandrum, continously for three days. I have to get up at 4 am, get ready and leave by the 5 am train. Then after the exam, we gotta catch the Bangalore – Kanyakumari or the New Delhi – Kerala Express.. And whether there r seats or not, both of us prefer to sit on the doorway only!!! :P When I was a kiddo, well a smaller kiddo, :P I used to be very excited about travelling by train. But now the mere thought of a train makes me wanna puke!! Yesterday I came back by the Bangalore – Kanyakumari express. It was the first time in this week that we were going back by this train due to its timing… I still remember the last time we went back by this train.. It was a nightmare…. The ladies compartment in this train is only the size of a matchbox, therefore the comfort of travelling in it is imaginable. And to add to that, the fishmongers (err.. the meenkarikal!!! :D) from Kollam will get in with their fish, adding a wonderful odour to the pleasant atmosphere.. yuckkkkkk.. First of all, I hate fish.. And they cannot keep their d*** mouth shut for a minute without insulting each other in their meenkari slang!

Yesterday was a hot and horrid day, just like the day before, and the one before that, and the ones to come :(( And we hadn’t had a sip of water from 8 am till we reached Kollam (maybe around 2 o clock) So we bought 2 bottles of water from Kollam station, the only place where it stopped near a stall. After helping ourselves from the bottle, I held one in my hand, And Shalin had the other one.. Just then, one of these fishmongers opened the lid of her huge err.. vessel/pot whatever and arranged all her fishes, as I understood, parallel to each other!! :D Then she asked me for the bottle of water that I had in my hand. I gave it. She seemed thirsty, and drank a lot of water from it.. I didn’t have a problem with that, until she held it out back to me.. A minute ago, she was digging through her fish with her hands.. I scratched Shalin’s hand.. She asked her to keep it showing her that she had another bottle and grinned at me!

When we reached the Trivandrum Central, we heaved a sigh of relief.. Usually we wait for everyone to get down, so that we can get ourselves out of the train peacefully avoiding the rush… Yesterday too, we were standing near the door on the opposite side waiting for everyone to get out.. Just then we noticed that people were waiting outside the door to get in as well. I was wondering how senseless these people were :P and just then remembered that we were on the B’lore – Kanyakumari express unlike usual!!!!! We took our things from the overhead rack and jumped out of the train out of horror!!! :D

I wore a salwar that had off-white, orange and green colors… It does NOT resemble the National Flag in any way, so save the crap that u were gonna stab me with!!!! :P Anyways, my dress meant Already coupled, Processing proposal and Waiting….. Taking into account that almost 75% of it was off-white, let me come to the conclusion that allthough unknowingly, I was rightly dressed!!!!! :D

Let me think about the confusions that I went through on Valentine’s Day once again.. It makes me wanna drink lots and lots of water!!! :P On Monday, luckily I didnt go to class… ‘Luckily’ because, in the morning I found that my number was barred for some reason.. They asked me to dial 800 and when I did, I learned that my id proof had not yet been submitted in the BPL office. I got this number 8 days before, and I was pretty sure that the id proof had been given to the dealer. In the evening, Srijith asked me to go to the BPL office rightaway and submit it directly. Well it was easy for him to say.. :-w I couldn’t go out alone as the time was almost 15 minutes past 6 pm.. I surely needed to wake up my brother who had been sleeping becoz of a headache.. I woke him up somehow, and got dressed and came downstairs in 15 min, just to find him playing NFS… !@#$% I couldn’t possibly get angry at him for he was my only chance… Anyways, by 7 o’ clock we were on our way to the office at Vazhuthacaud, atleast 10 or 15 min drive from my home.

We got there, but the office was almost empty and the shutter was half closed.. The guard let us in, and he said that nothing could be done on that day, as it was past the closing time.. But anyway, we were told to submit the id proof, and wait until the next day for the connection to get re-established… Which meant no messaging on that day :(( On 13th night, at around 11:50pm, I called Srijith from my landline!! :P A phone that I thought I’d never use again…… It was my last resort and I had to use it…. Anyways, I could wish him a Happy Valentine’s Day….

It took a day more to get my connection allright.. And I could use the phone from 15th evening onwards… Its very difficult to stop using a mobile phone once u get to know the pleasures of having it… And I had to make all my calls from the booth that we have in our college….. :(( Its pulse is set very high and money just ran out of my pockets during those two days….. :((

Well… I just hope that everybody else had a great Valentine’s Day…. I know that Jian didnt have a very nice one, considering the fact that he was watching a murder trial in a court in Cochin on that day and in a Chandler style, could it BE anymore better!!!!

Q) Why is Children’s Day celebrated on November 14th?

A) Becoz it comes 9 months after Valentine’s Day….!! :D