I’m depressed.. For many reasons.. Some of my friends know some reasons.. But nobody knows all of them… I don’t know whether anyone’s gonna understand what I’m going through. Or whether anyone can actually put away so much time to listen to all my worries..[Do you ever feel so deep, that you speak your mind to put others straight to sleep, you wonder if anybody cares.. Song : 'Bare Naked' by Jennifer Love Hewitt] Why I wake up every morning feeling sad… Why certain things are happening to me… Why I am going through such a difficult time.. Hell.. Sometimes even I don’t know why I’m going through such a difficult time… I’m trying to make myself believe that everybody is going through a similar phase, and that they, like me, are just afraid to bring it out in the open… Maybe I’m right.. Who knows…

Things are never going right after my college years are over. Or things were never right, but I was just too busy to notice that.. Whatever, I’m having a lot of free time, and I just can’t stop thinking about the disaster that my life is.. Maybe years later, I might read this blog entry and just have a good laugh, with my life running too smoothly and all.. Well that’s how I dream it.. But what if it keeps getting worser and worser? hmm.. I always believe that tomorrow’s gonna be a better day.. I learn from the mistakes that I made today, hoping to never make them again, and like someone said, just make new mistakes to learn from! It’s like metamorphosis, isn’t it?

Doing things to divert attention helps.. Like I read two Chetan Bhagat novels at one go.. ‘Five Point Someone’ was pretty good, but ‘Three Mistakes of My Life’ was a complete mistake in my opinion.. I think I’ll agree to Kris’s theory, that the first one was out of pure creativity and imagination, the second one, ‘One Night @ A Call-Center’, written in-order to meet the deal with Rupa and Co., missing a bit of both [so I've heard, never read it, though I want to] and the third one, ultimately running out of both, having to surrender and write someone else’s story in an ‘un-ChetanBhagat’ point of view! I’ve also started reading Malayalam novels, thanks to my Dad’s great collection of mind-blowing works! Reading surely helps a lot than anything else… Like listening to music, for instance.. Some songs bring back memories, both good and bad ones, and some songs have pretty irritating lyrics which is like reading your own sad biography!

There are some more things that scare the living crap out of me.. Especially, the word ‘future’. Till now, when I wanted to do something for my future, I studied in school, then college, then dropped out and then again in college.. The dropping out was a major turning point of my life, cos it has taken me to places I suppose I’d have never gone to, if I had continued my engineering studies. And maybe I wouldn’t have been jobless now, who knows!! Or maybe I’ve been saved from a list of supplementary exams that I might’ve had to take! hehe!! I’m not looking back with regret, hell no!! I’m not sorry at all… My short-term goals are over, and it’s pretty confusing to think ‘What’s next?’ and difficult to get the clue to find the next stepping stone to success..

Even if I find everything I need, emerge out successful at the end of some day, I know I’ll still be waking up sad the next day, since I don’t have a solution to any of my problems.. Talking helps, and everybody loves giving advices, but I’ve stopped taking advices and trying them in my life. It has never worked so far. And now I’ve realized that there is no ultimate solution to all problems; everybody has to figure out what’s wrong and what can be done in his/her own damn life. Part of the metamorphosis, I believe.. But talking certainly takes away some pressure.

Well, I pray everyday to God to make my life easier, but the prayers aren’t working too. I didn’t lose my faith or anything, but I started doubting whether prayers are gonna work at all.. But out of the blue, Zee Studio made a huge fuss about the movie ‘Bruce Almighty’ which they showed on 19th July. Well I’ve seen that movie before; it’s a good one so I felt like I should not miss it. 19th is a very special date to me since it’s my birthday on 19th Aug, and that made the movie much more special! Well, I don’t have to say much more, that was like a sign, I’d forgotten why Bruce was made God in the movie, so this movie just refreshed my memory and my senses too! Therefore, praying is still my refuge, since I’m jobless and have no money to go shopping! ;-)

If I’ve sustained your interest so far, I guess I should stop this endless ramble, while you still have it!! Adieu.

98% of marriages in India are arranged.. Not true? Maybe not.. I didn’t do a research or anything on it… But I think that 98% of marriages in India are arranged..

Why? Because, people in India are bought up that way.. Simple! We Indians have great respect for our parents.. Especially moms.. [who carried us painfully for 9 months..] I’ve heard from a friend of mine, who’s grandma who dared to say this cliched pregnancy-debt fact to her son, was taken aback when he asked her to jump into a sack, so that he can carry her around for 9 months, by which this debt-talk can be avoided forever…

Dare I say that parents in India are self-centered.. to have bought up their kids as loyal servants who carry out duties that have been set forth by their parents, living life the way parents want them to live.. Of course, it’s always the most practical way to live life… But not always how the insignificant “you” wanna do it…

I’ve had this talk with my friends a lot of times… The plot was, they meet the love of their life.. Indulges in a three year long meaningful relationship.. by which time, they can see each other as a married couple.. But things don’t go their way at home.. Parents don’t want them to marry that person, because of their cast/religion/blah-blah..

What will they do?

Try to make themselves and their parents understand that ‘this is the love of my life, the person who I’ve known like Einstein knew physics, who’s like an open book to me, who’s moodswings I know about, who’s silence does not need an explanation, who I can always live with, and most importantly, who I cannot live without..’

Or will they take a decision to forget all that, instead, think about ‘not letting our parents down after they’ve taken care of us so far, providing us shelter, feeding us, taking care of us, paying our school fees, college fees, current bill, water bill, mobile bill and all other monetary involvements taken care of, again that 9-months debt, shoot them into the higher social strata of our society by marrying a smaller version of Anil Ambani[no Reliance, only the bank balance], or at least remain in the same stratum by not marrying a bus conductor [or kili!! :-D], how we don’t want our own kids to behave this way later [Too late! Indian parenting traits have been successfully acquired and uploaded!!], how parents are always right and wants the best for us [which is true, but regarding truth, sadly, for each, his own..], etc etc”?

Which way will they go?

Most of them are willing to take the second option, that is to forget everything, and obey their parents.. [These are the ones who believe that ultimate love only means supreme sacrifice.. Their 'happily ever after' is pretty simple..]

And there were some who said that they won’t marry either ones, they’ll just “diplomatically” stay single forever [I failed to see the diplomacy really.. They're pretty much hurting their parents either way. These are saddists who don't want anybody to be happy, not even themselves..]

A few of them replied that it’s the responsibility of parents all over the world to do whatever that has been discussed in option number 2.. They said that when they are gonna have kids of their own, they are never gonna raise them inside this bubble of ambitions and dreams, which never has place for the kid’s own, or expecting favors in return for raising them and for fulfilling their basic needs. These are the ones who said that love is the essence of life, which is beyond all crap [classifications based on religion, caste and all that]… Its like, “I’ll never let go of you, come what may…”

But, this is not what I wanted to talk about! There is another group of people, who take both options into consideration, who wanna fall in love, who have acquired the Indian traits successfully, believe that parents expecting their off-springs to not let them down is perfectly alright [and its the second birth-right after 'Swaraj'..] They are the ones who really know a thing or two about diplomacy!

For example.. A middle class Hindu Nair boy, an engineering student, will search for a Hindu Nair girl doing some degree [mostly irrelevant] and fall in love with her.. She, on finding out that he’s an engg student [means food on the table 3 times a day in future], as well as a Hindu Nair [which means, Mom n Dad are gonna be so happy and proud about me!] will start reciprocating his love!!! Likewise, a Roman Catholic Boy will fall in love with a Roman Catholic Girl only.. If a colleague who they talked to a lot yesterday, or meets at the ATM regularly, who they are interested in, turns out to be from a different community [for cryin out loud], they’ll never feel the same way about him/her again… Because, one of the many unique Indian traits they have successfully acquired is to be a walking marriage bureau themselves!! ;-) And if the colleague in question is indeed from the same community, ‘love happens’!! And when they get married one day, they’ll say that it was an arranged love marriage.. But thats not right, it was an arranged marriage alone.. Maybe an arranged arranged marriage.. The walking marriage bureau that you are, arranged it once, your parents arranged it again..

So wasn’t I atleast somewhat right when I said in the beginning that 98% of marriages in India are arranged? ;))

Source of inspiration : ‘For Matrimonial Purposes’ by Kavita Daswani.. I hope nobody gets a wrong idea about the book because of this fragment of insanity!!!

Sometimes, I donno whether I’m doin the right thing.. I doubt if I should have deserved such a fate[if thats really the one that I'm gonna get]. For two reasons..

a) I require and I am supposed to require something better and deserving, something that is able to fill all the voids that have been created in my life.. All my life, I had been praying to God to bless me with such a fate.. But as I’m still doing it, I know that God has granted only half of what I had prayed for, the half which is a little better than what I had before…

b) The fate that shadows my life, am I really worth it? Did I make a wrong decision? This life does not seem to fit me in. Though I believe in fate, sometimes I feel that it is me who made the wrong decision when God offered me the perfect fate.. I went for something that does not befit my lifestyle and my moods[and mood-swings!] I sometimes take pride in taking that bold choice, but it does not always bring me happiness; It does not bring everything that I wanted.. I remember the tears that I have shed praying to get it.. I remember the momentary happiness that I felt, thinking that I finally got it.. And here I am, crying again realizing the truth that I never had it, and never will…..

Epilogue

This fate, was never mine.. I acquired it, trading what’s really mine for someone else’s, without their knowledge.. The possiblity that my real fate could have bought me the happiness that I craved for; it looks down on me, and I don’t have a place to hide from it’s sorrowful eyes, and I cannot endure the brutal embrace of the shame that it has bought on me… This life’s not mine, and I’m never your’s, and never have I been completely your’s, quite contrary to what, sometimes, you and I might’ve felt.. I’m probably trying to be as good as the rightful owner of this fate, cheating both you and me.. I can see that you’re happy, but not as happy as you could have been with the original. My malicious act has bought pain to you as well[though I never wished to see you suffer], and that is the second reason why I wonder whether I deserved such a fate..

I’m sorry my dear, I’m sorry I did this to you… As long as you don’t realize the truth, I can put on.. But one day, I will confess it to you.. You must be strong, coz one day, I will….

Note : I’m neither talking to/about a person nor any inanimate object! These are just fragments of my insanity!

I’m relieved; as 2007 has come to an end… 9 has always been my unlucky number… And 2007 was a luckless year, as far as everything was concerned… Except that my 1st and 2nd sem results came, and I didn’t flunk in any subject… Well, let’s not give all the credit to luck alone for not flunking! Effort was there from my side too, right? Yeah right.. Who am I kidding.. Its just plain luck!

Towards the end of the year, I got a lot of friends, the ones who I have been keeping at bay, for some unknown reason.. I had gotten tired of coming online for a while, and that’s why I think I could talk only little or none to them.. During the break-up with my boyfriend, I had nothing to do to keep me busy, so I was online all the time. I started talkin to many of my friends from orkut who I had added once, but never really got to know.. It is always nice to have wonderful friends, and the effort that is put into staying in touch with them really pays off… :-) I have really known this year the value of friends, and how much they can change one’s life… I have changed a lot; I have become a better person this year!! I think that was my New Year resolution for 2007!!! :-P

On 31st December, I wasn’t out there partyin or having any kind of fun, I was doing my assignment!!! I had solemnly promised to myself that I will finish all my pending work before 2008, and I am very happy to say that I did finish them all.. There’s a video in my mobile-phone in which I am cutting the New Year cake holding a painting brush in my other hand!! The beginning of the year was pretty normal [read boring] and so far it has remained the same… At college, we’re in an assignment frenzy, keeping all of them together, re-doing them, for internal marks evaluation purposes.. We have already started doing the ‘final collection’ works, like selecting the theme, discussions about it, and drawing inspirations from them… I haven’t thought of a theme yet… My mind is not clear to delve deep into the subject… Last year, Ansar Sir did it systematically by making the students meditate and having long discussions with them.. This year, the saddest part is that Ansar Sir is not there.. Our effing college had problems with him and vice versa, so he resigned.. But there’s one thing.. His skills are unmatched.. We do not have such talent amongst our existing faculty.. :-( Anyways, lets see what happens by the end of this month.. I should be having a fine theme by then…

Btw, blogging is becoming even more difficult now.. Unless I get a computer of my own, I will never be able to blog like before.. I can’t believe that it has been 4 months since my last post.. I simply cannot do this while people are around me.. Right now bro has gone out somewhere and mom is sleeping downstairs, which gave me a good window to make this entry..! Some friends have been asking me why I haven’t updated my blog.. I have been telling them that it is because I am out of material, but that is not true… I have a text file in my computer in which I have more than three unfinished entries, interrupted during its making, probably by my brother! All of them were written in different moods [very sad ones], and I haven’t been able to achieve them again.. Things appear different when you look at them once with despair, and later with relief!! Maybe that’s why when I read them now, I feel stupid! I never read my own entries after I’ve posted them!!! :-P

Uh..oh… I think I can hear bro’s bike’s sound.. Before this becomes another of my unfinished entries, lemme post it….!!

Adios!

Very sarcastic… Ideally, familiarity should breed concern.. I mean, I should be able to forget all inhibitions while talking with someone I’m very familiar with, rather than be more conscious about it.. Technically, thats how it should be.. Why the question "How many times have I told u that u r not doing it right?"??? Rhetorical, I’ll say… If you’ve said it too many times before, and if there hasn’t been a change till now, maybe you should start realizing that it can’t be changed at all.. But I’m afraid nobody’ll be able to back me up there.. Not that I don’t like to change.. I usually try to make myself appealing to others.. But I’m not bound to change by force other than that of my own.. No obedience? hmm.. Interesting… I’ve never asked that to me! Am I not obedient..? Wow! I’ve no answer to that one!! Well.. I am…atleast…60% obedient.. But I’m a better daughter and sister than what I used to be.. Really… Sometimes I like to irritate people with my behavior just to leave me alone.. I do not take orders. I do not negotiate beyond a certain level (as opposed to the fact that I’m a peace lover). I give in only to one emotion. U wanna bend and fold me? Instead of breeding contempt, try speaking to my heart..

Have u felt unwanted ever in ur life so far? When u r surrounded by ur parents, cousins and even friends….. Have u felt so? If u haven’t, consider urself lucky… If u have, I donno what to tell u… There r times in life, when no matter how much u struggle to be someone, people do not take u seriously…Deep inside, u feel no-one really cares about what u think or what u r.. Well, sometimes, u feel that people don’t even know that u exist.. And no matter how loud u shout, ur screams r unheard.. No matter how bright u dress, people do not notice u.. Times when people see through u… And u know that u ain’t wearing that invisibility cloak..

Have u ever gone through that phase of life?

Have I ever gone through that phase of life?

Maybe… Maybe not…

I wanted Fashion Technology and now I have 24×7 of it…. Did I want this much???

From Monday to Friday, we have the usual class… That reminds me, I had to take a seminar on Tuesday. It was a seminar on the Traditional Textiles of India, and I was taking Tripura. Luckily, Tripura didnt have any textile of its own, so it was like a 5 minute seminar with only 16 slides!! But the previous one about Nagaland, which had a lot of material to be taught and that too by a know-it-all of the class, was really boring and I remember yawning just before my seminar!! The seminar went fine except for the fact that I had given random animations for the bullets, and some of them were real slow ones!! Two or three times, they ‘crawled’ in real slow, and everyone started giggling, including the teacher!!!! :D The next tough task was to pronounce the names of the tribes of Tripura, without making it sound funny! The names were Khakloo, Kuki and Lushei :( Anyways, I am glad that it got over!

On Saturdays, we have the Fashion Art classes. The miss who had been taking Fashion Art for us left the college, and since no-one has replaced her till now, Fashion Art is being taught every Saturday by a sir called Mohamed Ansar (or Ansar Mohamed??) He was a classmate of one of our teachers, when they were in NIFT (that makes him around 30 years old!!). We call that class as ‘Ansar ki paathshala’!!! :P Both the second years and the first years are taught on the same day… Ansar Sir is from Trivandrum, working in Technopark.. He will be there in train with us most times!

Sundays, the only day that we used to get free, is finally taken for the Photography classes.. Its an extra module taken for our own benefit.. It will be of use when we go for our craft documentation (CD). We are woking in groups, the same ones that we are planning to do the CD with. Each group is required to have an SLR camera and a tripod.

Anyways, like I said before, I wanted Fashion Technology so badly and now I am 5’1″ deep in it…!!! Did I want it this much???? Guess I did…!! ;)

March dawned… But never thought it would have dawned like it did…. Coz the first info that I got when I reached college on March 1st was that first sem exams were starting on 14th of this month!! Not to say that I haven’t studied a word, but I don’t even have the text books!!! :P Shalin has them luckily… And from this week onwards, we plan to start studying…. Textile Science and Fashion Business are the two theory papers.. Only two, but really tough….. And who knows, its MG University after all.. So the exams might get postponed too… Anyways.. Not too happy about all these… :(