I’m depressed.. For many reasons.. Some of my friends know some reasons.. But nobody knows all of them… I don’t know whether anyone’s gonna understand what I’m going through. Or whether anyone can actually put away so much time to listen to all my worries..[Do you ever feel so deep, that you speak your mind to put others straight to sleep, you wonder if anybody cares.. Song : 'Bare Naked' by Jennifer Love Hewitt] Why I wake up every morning feeling sad… Why certain things are happening to me… Why I am going through such a difficult time.. Hell.. Sometimes even I don’t know why I’m going through such a difficult time… I’m trying to make myself believe that everybody is going through a similar phase, and that they, like me, are just afraid to bring it out in the open… Maybe I’m right.. Who knows…
Things are never going right after my college years are over. Or things were never right, but I was just too busy to notice that.. Whatever, I’m having a lot of free time, and I just can’t stop thinking about the disaster that my life is.. Maybe years later, I might read this blog entry and just have a good laugh, with my life running too smoothly and all.. Well that’s how I dream it.. But what if it keeps getting worser and worser? hmm.. I always believe that tomorrow’s gonna be a better day.. I learn from the mistakes that I made today, hoping to never make them again, and like someone said, just make new mistakes to learn from! It’s like metamorphosis, isn’t it?
Doing things to divert attention helps.. Like I read two Chetan Bhagat novels at one go.. ‘Five Point Someone’ was pretty good, but ‘Three Mistakes of My Life’ was a complete mistake in my opinion.. I think I’ll agree to Kris’s theory, that the first one was out of pure creativity and imagination, the second one, ‘One Night @ A Call-Center’, written in-order to meet the deal with Rupa and Co., missing a bit of both [so I've heard, never read it, though I want to] and the third one, ultimately running out of both, having to surrender and write someone else’s story in an ‘un-ChetanBhagat’ point of view! I’ve also started reading Malayalam novels, thanks to my Dad’s great collection of mind-blowing works! Reading surely helps a lot than anything else… Like listening to music, for instance.. Some songs bring back memories, both good and bad ones, and some songs have pretty irritating lyrics which is like reading your own sad biography!
There are some more things that scare the living crap out of me.. Especially, the word ‘future’. Till now, when I wanted to do something for my future, I studied in school, then college, then dropped out and then again in college.. The dropping out was a major turning point of my life, cos it has taken me to places I suppose I’d have never gone to, if I had continued my engineering studies. And maybe I wouldn’t have been jobless now, who knows!! Or maybe I’ve been saved from a list of supplementary exams that I might’ve had to take! hehe!! I’m not looking back with regret, hell no!! I’m not sorry at all… My short-term goals are over, and it’s pretty confusing to think ‘What’s next?’ and difficult to get the clue to find the next stepping stone to success..
Even if I find everything I need, emerge out successful at the end of some day, I know I’ll still be waking up sad the next day, since I don’t have a solution to any of my problems.. Talking helps, and everybody loves giving advices, but I’ve stopped taking advices and trying them in my life. It has never worked so far. And now I’ve realized that there is no ultimate solution to all problems; everybody has to figure out what’s wrong and what can be done in his/her own damn life. Part of the metamorphosis, I believe.. But talking certainly takes away some pressure.
Well, I pray everyday to God to make my life easier, but the prayers aren’t working too. I didn’t lose my faith or anything, but I started doubting whether prayers are gonna work at all.. But out of the blue, Zee Studio made a huge fuss about the movie ‘Bruce Almighty’ which they showed on 19th July. Well I’ve seen that movie before; it’s a good one so I felt like I should not miss it. 19th is a very special date to me since it’s my birthday on 19th Aug, and that made the movie much more special! Well, I don’t have to say much more, that was like a sign, I’d forgotten why Bruce was made God in the movie, so this movie just refreshed my memory and my senses too! Therefore, praying is still my refuge, since I’m jobless and have no money to go shopping! ;-)
If I’ve sustained your interest so far, I guess I should stop this endless ramble, while you still have it!! Adieu.