Sometimes, I donno whether I’m doin the right thing.. I doubt if I should have deserved such a fate[if thats really the one that I'm gonna get]. For two reasons..

a) I require and I am supposed to require something better and deserving, something that is able to fill all the voids that have been created in my life.. All my life, I had been praying to God to bless me with such a fate.. But as I’m still doing it, I know that God has granted only half of what I had prayed for, the half which is a little better than what I had before…

b) The fate that shadows my life, am I really worth it? Did I make a wrong decision? This life does not seem to fit me in. Though I believe in fate, sometimes I feel that it is me who made the wrong decision when God offered me the perfect fate.. I went for something that does not befit my lifestyle and my moods[and mood-swings!] I sometimes take pride in taking that bold choice, but it does not always bring me happiness; It does not bring everything that I wanted.. I remember the tears that I have shed praying to get it.. I remember the momentary happiness that I felt, thinking that I finally got it.. And here I am, crying again realizing the truth that I never had it, and never will…..

Epilogue

This fate, was never mine.. I acquired it, trading what’s really mine for someone else’s, without their knowledge.. The possiblity that my real fate could have bought me the happiness that I craved for; it looks down on me, and I don’t have a place to hide from it’s sorrowful eyes, and I cannot endure the brutal embrace of the shame that it has bought on me… This life’s not mine, and I’m never your’s, and never have I been completely your’s, quite contrary to what, sometimes, you and I might’ve felt.. I’m probably trying to be as good as the rightful owner of this fate, cheating both you and me.. I can see that you’re happy, but not as happy as you could have been with the original. My malicious act has bought pain to you as well[though I never wished to see you suffer], and that is the second reason why I wonder whether I deserved such a fate..

I’m sorry my dear, I’m sorry I did this to you… As long as you don’t realize the truth, I can put on.. But one day, I will confess it to you.. You must be strong, coz one day, I will….

Note : I’m neither talking to/about a person nor any inanimate object! These are just fragments of my insanity!

I’m relieved; as 2007 has come to an end… 9 has always been my unlucky number… And 2007 was a luckless year, as far as everything was concerned… Except that my 1st and 2nd sem results came, and I didn’t flunk in any subject… Well, let’s not give all the credit to luck alone for not flunking! Effort was there from my side too, right? Yeah right.. Who am I kidding.. Its just plain luck!

Towards the end of the year, I got a lot of friends, the ones who I have been keeping at bay, for some unknown reason.. I had gotten tired of coming online for a while, and that’s why I think I could talk only little or none to them.. During the break-up with my boyfriend, I had nothing to do to keep me busy, so I was online all the time. I started talkin to many of my friends from orkut who I had added once, but never really got to know.. It is always nice to have wonderful friends, and the effort that is put into staying in touch with them really pays off… :-) I have really known this year the value of friends, and how much they can change one’s life… I have changed a lot; I have become a better person this year!! I think that was my New Year resolution for 2007!!! :-P

On 31st December, I wasn’t out there partyin or having any kind of fun, I was doing my assignment!!! I had solemnly promised to myself that I will finish all my pending work before 2008, and I am very happy to say that I did finish them all.. There’s a video in my mobile-phone in which I am cutting the New Year cake holding a painting brush in my other hand!! The beginning of the year was pretty normal [read boring] and so far it has remained the same… At college, we’re in an assignment frenzy, keeping all of them together, re-doing them, for internal marks evaluation purposes.. We have already started doing the ‘final collection’ works, like selecting the theme, discussions about it, and drawing inspirations from them… I haven’t thought of a theme yet… My mind is not clear to delve deep into the subject… Last year, Ansar Sir did it systematically by making the students meditate and having long discussions with them.. This year, the saddest part is that Ansar Sir is not there.. Our effing college had problems with him and vice versa, so he resigned.. But there’s one thing.. His skills are unmatched.. We do not have such talent amongst our existing faculty.. :-( Anyways, lets see what happens by the end of this month.. I should be having a fine theme by then…

Btw, blogging is becoming even more difficult now.. Unless I get a computer of my own, I will never be able to blog like before.. I can’t believe that it has been 4 months since my last post.. I simply cannot do this while people are around me.. Right now bro has gone out somewhere and mom is sleeping downstairs, which gave me a good window to make this entry..! Some friends have been asking me why I haven’t updated my blog.. I have been telling them that it is because I am out of material, but that is not true… I have a text file in my computer in which I have more than three unfinished entries, interrupted during its making, probably by my brother! All of them were written in different moods [very sad ones], and I haven’t been able to achieve them again.. Things appear different when you look at them once with despair, and later with relief!! Maybe that’s why when I read them now, I feel stupid! I never read my own entries after I’ve posted them!!! :-P

Uh..oh… I think I can hear bro’s bike’s sound.. Before this becomes another of my unfinished entries, lemme post it….!!

Adios!